President Obama urges patience in war on Alex Rodriguez

As the war against Alex Rodriguez moves into its 35th year, President Obama asked the country to remain patient on Wednesday while paparazzi, Fox broadcasters and more than 135,000 U.S. troops work tirelessly day and night to find the Yankee wherever he is and piss him off.

The President’s comments came three days after a successful campaign in Dallas, TX that sent Rodriguez into a blind rage after operatives successfully broadcast Cameron Diaz hand-feeding the insurgent some popcorn at the Super Bowl.

“While that was a job well done by our brave servicemen and women and pretty damn funny, this war is far from over,” Obama said during a speech at the Pentagon about the war on Alex Rodriguez. “This she-man is our top priority and I assure you that we are out to get it. Along with the rest of the nation, we are completely obsessed with it and its every move.”

Many critics of the war have called for more diplomacy in asking Rodriguez to just stop making himself such an easy target all the time, but previous attempts to reach out to the international fugitive have only resulted in even more autoerotic behavior.

Several countries have recently come to the aid of the U.S., including Rodriguez’s native Dominican Republic, who have cut all ties to the insurgent and will send 3,000 soldiers to the U.S. to “make sure the insufferable little s-t never tries to enter [their] country again,” according to a Dominican official.

Steelers Championship shirts donated to needy NFL players

Hundreds of underprivileged families of NFL players celebrated Monday as they received their pre-printed “Super Bowl Champion Steelers” shirts and hats donated by the NFL as a part of the league’s community outreach effort.

The gear was shipped out to children and adults in destitute areas of the country, like Chicago, Beverly Hills and Upstate New York.

“The NFL is pleased to once again work with World Vision to ensure that usable Super Bowl apparel does not get thrown out,” said David Krichavsky, the National Football League’s director of community affairs. “Especially when there are so many around the country who could be out of multimillion-dollar jobs in a month.”

The NFL also donated unused food from concession stands to the starving families of NFL owners.

Report: Eagles to trade Kevin Kolb for Super Bowl tickets

The Philadelphia Eagles are reportedly in the process of finalizing a trade that would send quarterback Kevin Kolb to the Chicago Bears for their team allotment of Super Bowl tickets, according to a league source.

The transaction is pending approval on the location of the seats, however the tickets are rumored to be in the lower level with excellent site lines and concession stand access.

“When we drafted Kevin, we envisioned that one day his selection would translate into a trip to the Super Bowl. Today is that day,” stated Eagles General Manager Howie Roseman on a conference call while packing for Dallas. “Andy and I are looking forward to our first Super Bowl together. I know he was upset about missing another opportunity to coach in the Pro Bowl this year, so this should cheer him up a bit. And we’re sitting near the rib stand!”

While Chicago may seem like an unlikely destination for Kolb, who has publicly stated he wants to start, the move makes sense as Bears offensive line coach Mike Tice has a long history of giving away his Super Bowl tickets for a small fee.

Thousands flee as obnoxious Saints fans hit New Orleans

Much of New Orleans has been destroyed after a drunken orgy of Saints fans ripped through the city late Sunday night, leveling everything in its path.

Hundreds of thousands managed to evacuate the city before it was pummeled, but others were left behind and watched as their beloved city was reduced to rubble.

“It was just awful! The beads! There were so many beads!” said Jason Eckert, a Who Dat survivor. “I thought it was over for a minute, but I realized I was just in the eye of the Who Dat…and it was only gonna get worse.”

New Orleans is now faced with the daunting task of rebuilding its historic city, though many have already wondered if it’s worth the effort.

“The Saints could just win it again next year, and we’d lose everything all over again,” said New Orleans resident Jesse Tolliver. “That football team is one of the worst things to ever happen to this city.”

Drew Brees replaces Donovan McNabb on Super Bowl roster

Drew Brees has been named this year’s replacement for Donovan McNabb on the NFC Super Bowl roster due to McNabb’s participation in the upcoming Pro Bowl LXXI.

“I think being able to play in the Super Bowl game is a great honor,” said McNabb, who made his first and only appearance in 2005. “But it doesn’t compare to the Pro Bowl. This will be the sixth time for me and it never gets old.”

Brees will be making his first trip to the Super Bowl game and hopes to represent McNabb better than last year’s replacement, Kurt Warner.

“I’m honored to be able to take McNabb’s spot and hope to play as well as I know he would if he were able to make it,” Brees said on Wednesday. “Maybe next year I’ll actually make it to the Pro Bowl and McNabb will be my replacement. That would really be something.”