Roy Holliday wins NL Cy Young, reports guy on net

According to a report from the comments section of a popular website, Phillies ace Roy Holliday was announced as the unanimous winner of the NL Cy Young Award on Tuesday and became the first two-time winner in baseball history.

Holliday, who hurled six perfect games this season, beat out Adam Wanerite of St. Louis and Yubo Himez of Colorado and led the majors in wins (like 25), ERA (below 2.00) and strikeouts (like 320 or so), according to the internet report.

Though regarded as one of the game’s best pitchers, Phillies ace Roy Halladay missed out on winning a second career Cy Young Award, but according to Twitter reports, pitchers Roy Halliday and Doc Holiday each won the award, which everyone was really excited about.

Facebook reports indicate that Cole Hammals didn’t get a single vote, which really sucked, but Astros pitcher Brett Meyers received two.

“What’s that all about?” the report continued.

MLB establishes fund for recent victims of Cole Hamels

Major League Baseball is now getting involved in the relief effort to help victims of Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels by setting aside about $53 on their behalf.

In addition to the relief fund, MLB is also prepared to offer counseling services to the families of those recently affected by Hamels over the past three months.

“Hamels has completely devastated a lot of people,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “You can either ignore what’s going on or get involved. We chose to get involved and raise about $53.”

Albert Pujols, along with several other high-profile baseball players, was personally affected by Hamels during a July 22 contest at Busch Stadium.

“We’re still trying to pick up the pieces,” Pujols said of his team that has gone 20-27 since Hamels tore through the Cardinals lineup. “You try to move on, but how do you recover from Cole embarrassing you every night? You don’t. That’s how.”

Selig also noted that while efforts to raise about $53 are going well, things could get a lot worse before they get better for opposing teams.

“The Phillies are starting to hit again,” Selig said. “Prepare for the worst.”

Several Phillies players call out sick of hitting

The Phillies announced that they will likely be without most of their lineup for tonight’s game against the Cardinals after at least 11 players called out sick of hitting this morning.

“You’re only supposed to get like five sick of hitting days a year but Jimmy’s gotta be pushing 50 by now,” said manager Charlie Manuel. ” I know they’re genuinely sick of hitting, but there are plenty of people out there sick of watching them hit and yet they still watch. These guys are gonna have to suck it up and start showing up to work again.”

Sources close to the Phillies are also expecting reliever Danys Baez to call out sick of pitching again any minute now.

Amaro, Phillies flatly deny existence of Albert Pujols

In response to a report of the Phillies having internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro vehemently denied any knowledge of “who or what an Albert Pujols is.”

“Whoever wrote the erroneous report could have at least used a real player if they wanted to look credible,” said Amaro, who was photographed in 2007 with Pujols, so we all know he’s lying his ass off. “I think if this phantom ballplayer existed, we would have at least had a conversation or two about a possible trade. I mean, if we didn’t discuss every possible deal we could make to improve our team, I wouldn’t be doing my job. But we keep our discussions to real players, not figments of baseball writers’ imaginations.”

Although Amaro continues to deny the existence of the three-time MVP Award winner, he said such a player would be a great addition to the Phillies, if he was real.

“Why would I not want a guy that was hypothetically a 13th-round draft pick in 1999 that almost won the NL MVP two years later without the help of performance enhancing drugs?” Amaro added. “But that scenario isn’t possible. It’s all made up. There is no such thing as an Albert Pujols.”