Luis Castillo creeped out by how fast Phillies signed him

Luis Castillo told reporters Monday that he was pretty creeped out after the Phillies signed the second baseman to a minor league deal only three days after he was released by the Mets.

“At first, it was kind of flattering to know [the Phillies] had some interest, but then they started acting like ‘Luis, we can’t afford to lose you’ which was really strange since I was just released by the Mets,” said Castillo, who hit .235 last season and has one home run in his last 273 games. “They act like they’ve never seen an aging, light-hitting second baseman before. It’s just weird.”

Castillo said he still doesn’t know what the Phillies want from him and doesn’t rule out that the Phillies brought him on board just to mess with him.

Domonic Brown fixes swing after hitting critics with bat

Phillies rookie outfielder Domonic Brown was finally able to find his swing again after bludgeoning each of his critics with a baseball bat on Friday.

“It’s great to finally get it back,” Brown said of his swing after taking a few hacks at a baseball analyst for suggesting the rookie lower his hands at the plate. “Not only do I get my swing back, but it’s a lot quieter around here without people in my ear all day. Now, I can just relax and play some baseball.”

At least 27 players and coaches will not make the trip to Bradenton, FL to face the Pirates on Friday after being hospitalized for trying to mess with Brown’s swing.

Utley out indefinitely with routine pre-pre-season soreness

Chase Utley, who missed his second straight Spring Training game on Sunday, will be sidelined indefinitely with routine before-the-preseason-even-starts soreness, according to the Phillies.

“This sort of thing happens every year with a lot of guys,” general manager Ruben Amaro said of Utley’s condition. “When you rest for months at a time and then go straight into light Spring Training workouts, you’re bound to get a little sore and have to miss a few games. Routine stuff.”

Though the Phillies do not consider Utley’s condition to be serious, the team had the second baseman airlifted to a nearby hospital on Sunday for routine tests.

Broken legs net Joe Blanton zero media, medical attention

Days after Cliff Lee caused a major media firestorm for a “non-issue” muscle strain, Joe Blanton fractured both of his legs during a routine workout on Thursday and has yet to receive any major media or medical attention.

Phillies trainers cited being “too busy” on Friday to tend to Blanton’s gruesome injury as they keep a close eye on Lee’s near-perfect health.

“We already told him that we’ll get to him when we get to him,” head athletic trainer Scott Sheridan said while massaging Lee’s temples. “If he needs a splint and some crutches so bad, he knows where we keep them.”

As of press time, no one has bothered to reach Blanton for comment.

Chad Durbin keeps acting like he’s still on Phillies

Without a contract, an invitation or any sort of media credentials, free agent reliever Chad Durbin reported to Phillies Spring Training anyway and continues to act like he is still part of the team.

Durbin, who was one of the Phillies’ most reliable relievers over the past three seasons, has been showing up to press conferences and asking if anyone wants to throw since the first day of Spring Training.

“At first, we thought he was just stopping by to say what’s up,” said Ryan Madson. “But this is Friday and he’s still here. We’re all pretty freaked out and don’t know what to do, actually.”

The Phillies dealt with a similar situation in 1995 when Gregg Jefferies showed up uninvited to Spring Training and hung around for the next three years.

Phillies sign Pittsburgh Pirates to minor league deal

The Phillies announced the signing of the Pittsburgh Pirates to a minor league deal on Wednesday and invited the veteran franchise to Spring Training.

The signing gives the Phillies additional infield, outfield, pitching and catching depth, though general manager Ruben Amaro does not anticipate the 126-year-old club to make the major league roster.

“No, are you kidding? Oh, God no,” Amaro said to reporters on Wednesday. “We signed them because they’re hilarious. I mean look at how happy that poor guy is just for catching the ball. And batting practice? Ooooh man, don’t leave here until you’ve seen batting practice.”

The Pirates hit .243 in 5,386 at bats last season.

Report: Blanton to start every game you attend this season

Though Joe Blanton is currently locked in as the team’s fifth starter and will only pitch in about 15 of the Phillies’ 81 home games this year, you will somehow defy the odds and watch Blanton pitch every time you attend a game this year, according to several reports.

“Watch, if you go to five random games this year, you’ll get Joe Blanton every time,” your friend reported. “You literally have zero chance of watching the other four guys pitch. None.”

The Phillies released a statement apologizing ahead of time for what will inevitably happen to you this season and would offer you free tickets, but you would likely just see Joe Blanton pitch again.

“The odds of Joe Blanton starting a game are currently at about 19%, but unfortunately, when you purchase a ticket to watch a game, those odds balloon to 100%,” the statement read. “We can’t quite explain why this happens right now, but rest assured that it will happen. All we can do is apologize and suggest that you just enjoy what Joe has to offer.”

Another report suggests that there is at least a small chance that you may see Cole Hamels pitch, but since you have already seen him pitch 800 times, that really isn’t much of a consolation.

Experts also warned that if you decide not to attend a game where Joe Blanton is scheduled to pitch, there is a 100% chance that Cliff Lee will actually start that game and throw a perfect game.

Phillies say this the year Jimmy Rollins finally gets on base

The re-aquisition of Cliff Lee has the Phillies plenty excited for the upcoming season, but general manager Ruben Amaro said Tuesday that his team is actually more anxious to see if this could be the year that Jimmy Rollins finally breaks through and reaches base.

“We really think this is his year, without a doubt,” said Amaro. “He’s got all the tools to make it happen. He’s got a bat, he’s got legs, arms, eyes, brain. All that stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets on twice this year.”

In preparation for his season and his pursuit of a base, Rollins has dedicated a great deal of his offseason trying to discover new talent for his record label, Jimmy Rollins Entertainment Group.

Roy Halladay squeezes in quick workout between workouts

Phillies ace Roy Halladay, who has been training in Clearwater, FL since December 1, reported Tuesday that he was finally able to use a 20-minute break in between his extensive conditioning workouts to squeeze in some quick cardio on the stationary bike.

“With the core training, plyometric work, cardio and throwing sessions, it’s really hard to sneak in the additional core training, plyometric work, cardio and throwing that I need,” Roy Halladay said during a quick break to gets some squats in. “But working out all the time is no excuse to skip your workout.”

Halladay will reportedly step up his offseason workouts in the coming weeks after the NL Cy Young winner said he felt like he was “still in mid-season form.”

Pitchers, catchers reporting that it’s not that warm down here

Though Phillies’ pitchers and catchers aren’t officially required to report until Thursday, many reported early on Wednesday that they were expecting things to be a little warmer than this.

“You just assume it would be warm in Florida, but it’s not,” Chad Durbin reported of Wednesday’s mid-50s temperatures. “It’s supposed to warm up into the high-50s tomorrow, so we’ll keep you posted on how things go with that.”

Phillies position players are expected to report next Monday about how awesome it is to see grass again.