Phillies formally end half-second pursuit of Aaron Rowand

The Phillies announced Friday that they have formally ended their pursuit of former Phillie and current Giants outfielder Aaron Rowand after more than 30 milliseconds of internal discussions.

“We gave it a shot,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro, whose moment-long pursuit of Rowand was prompted by a column in the Philadelphia Daily News by Paul Hagen. “But in the end, I could not conceive of one solitary reason it would make any sense whatsoever to go out of my way to trade for a 33-year-old man in steady decline making $24 million over the next two seasons that was benched in favor of slightly less garbage players after hitting .230 last season.”

Amaro added that the pursuit of Rowand would have ended sooner, but the GM wanted to make absolutely sure that he was “giving Hagan’s off-the-wall idea a fair chance.”

Sense of urgency finally starting to kick in for Phillies

A strong sense of urgency has reportedly come over the Phillies, who currently trail the Giants four games to two in the best-of-seven NL Championship Series.

“We’re just now starting to realize that time was running out and it was either then or never,” Chase Utley said while resting in his home on Thursday. “We’re finally ready to do what we should have done to beat the Giants.”

The Phillies, who have one of the oldest rosters in the majors, plan to approach this offseason and upcoming regular season with a sense of calm and restraint before switching back to a sense of urgency around mid-July.

Ron Washington on loss to Giants: We were out-misfitted

Ron Washington dismissed rumors that the Rangers ran out of gas during their World Series loss to the Giants and suggested that his team was simply “out-misfitted by the other team.”

“You look over into the Giants dugout and you see Jonathan Sanchez’s eyebrows or that Olive Oyl clone Tim Lincecum. Bunch of misfits over there,” said Washington, a day after his team failed to capture the first championship in franchise history. “I mean, talent wise - on paper - we feel like we had the better team. But they were just too goofy. They had a lot of beards. Pat Burrell wears assless chaps to holiday parties. We were clearly outmanned in that department.”

When asked if his team could have done anything to be goofier, Washington was stoic in his sentiments.

“We tried a few things. We had that little Ron Washington kid come out. We even brought out George W. Bush. I saw some stuff going on in the crowd involving antlers. But it comes down to the players. We have guys who won’t even go near a wine cooler. You knew it was going to be an uphill battle.”

Report: World Series not that cool anymore thanks to Giants

According to a report released Tuesday, winning the World Series now ranks below Classmates.com ads and Ace of Base in general popularity among professional baseball players.

Players were polled after watching the Giants hoist the World Series trophy and an overwhelming 87% of players agreed that they “don’t even want that shit anymore.”

“I’m just not that into it, to be honest,” an anonymous player said of the once-coveted championship. “I think instead of going after the trophy or a ring, guys are starting to really dig money now. That’s kind of the new thing.”

Researchers point to the severe drop in fan interest in the Fall Classic and the ability of the Giants to win a major sports championship with assorted excrement from other teams has made winning the World Series the least cool thing a player can do in life.

Umpire ruins Howard’s childhood dream of taking clutch walk

Ryan Howard’s dreams were put on hold Saturday after home plate umpire Tom Hallion rung the Phillies slugger up on a called third strike, ending the Phillies season and Howard’s lifelong dream of drawing a clutch playoff walk.

“You practice that play over and over as a kid,” Howard said after the devastating 3-2 loss to the Giants. “You’re in your back yard saying to yourself, ’3-2 count…bottom of the ninth…here’s the pitch…and…it’s a ball! He draws the walk and the Phillies extend the inning! Go Crazy, folks! Go crazy!’ But, unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way.”

Howard went on to say that he will work hard this offseason to make sure his has at least one more opportunity to draw a walk and let someone else be the playoff hero.

Roy Halladay removes groin, walks back to Philadelphia

Following Thursday’s dramatic Game 5 win over the Giants, Roy Halladay downplayed the groin injury he suffered in the second inning by removing the muscle in front of reporters and taking off for Philadelphia on foot.

“It’s a non-issue,” Halladay said after the game. “You guys are putting way too much emphasis on some muscle I don’t really even need in the first place. Look. See? No groin. I’m still the same old Roy. Next question.”

Upon arrival in Philadelphia, Halladay plans on re-constructing a new groin from scrap metal while he waits for the rest of his team to arrive.

Phillies explode for four runs to win epic fifth inning

Placido Polanco’s two-run double highlighted an epic four-run rally as the Phillies sealed a crucial fifth-inning victory over the Giants.

“We had our backs against the wall and responded with a solid inning of baseball,” Jimmy Rollins said of his team that was shut out in its previous 15 innings. “We definitely proved we’re more than capable of winning three more innings in this series.”

Following a lengthy locker room celebration after the win, the Phillies returned to play four more innings of clueless baseball in another embarrassing loss to the Giants.

Phillies players urged to donate ‘anything at all’ to lineup

The Philadelphia Phillies are teaming up with fans and the Get Your Ass In Gear Foundation to try and prevent early onset elimination and are now urging players to get involved.

“Our best chance at beating this thing is if the players start to get involved,” said GYAIGF chairman Steven Hughes. “I know a lot of them are probably thinking ‘Well, I’m only one person, my contribution doesn’t mean much,’ but that’s not true. A single hit from Raul Ibanez or even Chase Utley could mean the difference in this battle against watching a Rangers-Giants World Series. And no one wants to see that happen.”

Hughes went on to say that he got the idea to ask for players’ contributions after watching the Giants solicit their players with great success in Game 3.

Sources: Giants will be without Brooks Conrad for NLCS

According to team sources, NL Division Series MVP Brooks Conrad will not be available for the Giants in their NL Championship Series matchup against the Phillies.

Conrad, who helped the Giants advance to their first NLCS since 2002 with four key errors in three NLDS starts, will likely also miss the World Series, should the Giants advance.

“We’re trying to stay upbeat, but this sucks,” said one unnamed Giants source. “You have to bring your ‘A’ game against the Phillies and Brooks was a key guy for us. It’s going to force us to hit our way on base and we’re not really built for that.”

The Giants pitching staff also took a hit on Tuesday with the announcement that they will be unable to pitch to the weak-hitting Braves lineup for the remainder of the postseason.