Moyer loses glasses, rotation spot in awkward senior moment

Jamie Moyer was visibly ornery against the Cubs on Tuesday as he had lost both his reading glasses and his spot in the rotation in a span of five minutes.

“I know these things don’t just sprout legs and walk away,” Moyer repeated several times as he tore through the Phillies’ visiting clubhouse. “They have to be around here somwhere.”

Scott Eyre eventually gestured to Moyer that his glasses had been on his head the entire time but had no such answer for his lost rotation spot.

“I’ve had that thing for over 16 years now,” said Moyer of his valued spot. “The real kicker is that I honestly have no clue how or when I lost it either. I just hope no one stole it.”

Pedro Martinez was reportedly seen strutting around the field on Wednesday with a spot that looked very similar to the one once ownd by Moyer.

“I didn’t steal anything from anybody,” said Martinez. “I got this spot from Ruben [Amaro], so you’ll have to ask him where he got it.”

Sources: Phils tab Kendrick as ‘very touchable’

Sources tell PhillyGameday.com that the Phillies have designated Kyle Kendrick as a ‘very touchable’ prospect. The source indicated that the team wants to make clear that he is not among the list of off-limit prospects and would prefer to include him in any deal for anyone at all.

Though the news has yet to be confirmed by the Phillies, general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. did adress the media on Thursday about being anxious to dump players on other teams.

“There are some ‘extremely touchables’ in our system,” Amaro said. “There are players we would like to keep for our future and then there are guys we would cram in a basket and leave at another team’s front door. I won’t name drop, but let’s be real here. . . you know exactly who I’m talking about.”

Phillies sign what's left of Pedro Martinez

The Phillies have announced the signing of Pedro Martinez’s old glove and a couple baseball cards, which is all that seems to remain from Martinez’s glory days.

Once the most dominant pitcher in the game, Martinez struggled in his last year with the Mets with a 5-6 record and a 5.61 ERA in 2008. However, the remnants of Martinez are hopeful to provide some value to the Phils in the final months of the season.

“We knew going into this process that we weren’t getting the Pedro Martinez of old,” said Ruben Amaro at the press conference. “I think we’re satisfied in getting our hands on his game glove and a signed rookie card that may be worth a couple bucks at some point. People still buy baseball cards, right?”

Kendrick called up just in time to ruin everyone's night

Kyle Kendrick was about two minutes away from not being able to blow last night’s game, but arrived just in time due to a few miracles pulled off by the Phillies front office.

Kendrick had been recalled from Triple-A Lehigh valley earlier in the day to replace the injured Scott Eyre, but the righthander had a difficult time getting to the ballpark.

2:03 PM - Kendrick receives the news that he will be added to the 25-man roster for Friday’s game.

2:28 PM - Kendrick leaves Coca-Cola Park in Allentown, PA and heads for Citizens Bank Park.

3:14 PM - Kendrick hits a ridiculous amount of traffic on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and phones Ruben Amaro that he may be a little late for the game. Amaro assures him that the traffic will clear up soon.

8:31 PM - Kendrick, having only moved 629 feet since his last call, informs Amaro once again that the traffic situation is out of control and he may miss the game and even offers to turn around and not show up for the game at all. Amaro says “be cool Ace, help is on the way.”

8:39 PM - A four-car police escort arrives to guide Kendrick to the game.

9:21 PM - Kendrick loses his police escort when four fools who can’t drive in the rain plow into them, narrowly missing Kendrick’s car.

9:58 PM - After trying to drive the rest of the way on his own, Kendrick runs into more traffic, 16 miles from the ballpark. He calls Amaro again to tell him to just call the whole thing off and just let Eric Bruntlett pitch in his place because he would probably do just as well. Amaro voices to someone next to him about a “code orange” and that “getting Kendrick to the park is now our number one priority.” Amaro tells Kendrick to “get out of your car and look toward the sky” and hangs up.

10:09 PM - An AH64-A Apache Helicopter arrives on the scene to pick Kendrick up and air lift him the rest of the way to Citizens Bank Park.

10:13 PM - Kendrick finally arrives at Citizens Bank Park, just in time to head out to the bullpen.

10:21 PM - Kendrick enters the game.

10:39 PM - Kendrick gives up three runs in the top of the 13th.

11:10 PM - Kendrick takes the loss and ruins everyone’s night.

Myers injury leaves gaping hole in rotation filled with several hundred gaping holes

Brett Myers may miss the rest of the season with a hip injury that will likely require surgery. It is also very likely that no one will notice that Myers is gone anyway, since we’re all numb to the chaos of Phils starters by now that his replacement’s inevitable implosion won’t seem all that bad.

The injury may prompt the Phillies front office to pull off a trade for another top-of-the-line pitcher like Jake Peavy, Roy Oswalt, Roy Halladay or Erik Bedard.

“It really stinks that Brett may have thrown his last pitch as a Phillie,” said GM Ruben Amaro. “But we have to stay positive here and realize that this gives us an excuse to go out and get an arm that can actually get people ou — I mean — go out and fill some holes in our rotation.”

Phils release Eaton due to cutbacks of fantastically horrible players

The Phillies have made the decision to pay Adam Eaton $9 million this year not to pitch. Eaton’s release comes two years after signing a three-year $24 million deal with the Phillies after the 2006 season. His near-perfect 14-18 record over that span and slowpitch-softballesque 6.10 ERA qualified him as one of the recently expendable god-awful players.

“Under normal circumstances, we would be able to hold onto a vomit-inducing underperformer like Adam [Eaton], but these are trying times,” said GM Ruben Amaro. “Once he got beat out by our IT guy for our the emergency ninth spot in our rotation, we realized it was time to cut our losses.”

Eaton was originally a first-round draft pick (11th overall) by the Phillies in 1996 but was traded to the Padres in 1999. It was former GM Pat Gillick that thought enough of the career 4.80 ERA pitcher to bring him back.

“I just want to thank Pat [Gillick] for having enough faith in me to give me that contract,” said Eaton. “I have no clue what he saw in me since average hitters turned into MVPs when I pitched for Texas and I helped at least 47 guys get into the Hall of Fame while I was with the Phillies…but I enjoyed the whole experience.”

Phils sweeten Howard arbitration case with Obama DVD

Ryan Howard and the Phillies exchanged salary arbitration figures on Tuesday with Howard asking for $18 million. The Phillies offer of $14 million would give Howard a $4 million pay raise, but news has surfaced that Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has also offered the commemorative Special Edition Barack Obama DVD in hopes of swaying the arbitration panel.

“Being able to re-live the November election and Tuesday’s inauguration is priceless,” said Amaro. “I almost feel like now that the DVD is on the table, we’ve tipped the scales too much and now Ryan has the upper hand.”

The Phillies also reached an agreement with Chad Durbin today, on a one-year contract worth $1.65 million, avoiding arbitration. Durbin’s deal also included the same Obama DVD involved in the Howard arbitration case.

“Yeah, it was completely bootleg,” Durbin said. “It was just Ruben [Amaro Jr.] literally holding a video camera up recording CNN coverage.”