Phillies release Roy Oswalt after fastball drops to 91 mph

The Phillies cut ties with pitcher Roy Oswalt on Friday after the velocity on the former ace’s fastball dropped to a mere 91 mph during a rehab start with the Clearwater Threshers on Thursday.

Out since April 26 to tend to his family after tornadoes swept through his home in Mississippi, Oswalt allowed an unprecedented seven hits and three earned runs in just five innings of work, signaling the end of his brief Phillies career.

“We hoped Roy would be back to pitch for us at some point, but obviously he is no longer fit to play professional baseball,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro. “We wish him all the best in whatever he chooses to do with his life, but with a pathetic 91 mph fastball, that doesn’t leave him very many career options.”

The Phillies also announced that Chase Utley survived a harrowing jog to first base during a rehab game on Thursday and while the infielder was visibly shaken, he is now resting comfortably at a local hospital.

Report: Ryan Howard healthy

While the Phillies continue to deal with injuries to Chase Utley, Brad Lidge, Roy Oswalt, Shane Victorino, Placido Polanco and Domonic Brown, a report released on Friday claims that first baseman Ryan Howard remains in good health.

General manager Ruben Amaro responded to the report on Friday, but could not confirm if Howard was in fact healthy.

“I spoke with Ryan a few minutes ago and he said he felt great, but as of right now, I can’t confirm if he still feels great,” Amaro said. “But as soon as Ryan or any other players tell us they’re healthy, we’ll let you know.”

As of press time, as many as two more Phillies players were reported to be healthy and ready to start the season.

Report: Blanton to start every game you attend this season

Though Joe Blanton is currently locked in as the team’s fifth starter and will only pitch in about 15 of the Phillies’ 81 home games this year, you will somehow defy the odds and watch Blanton pitch every time you attend a game this year, according to several reports.

“Watch, if you go to five random games this year, you’ll get Joe Blanton every time,” your friend reported. “You literally have zero chance of watching the other four guys pitch. None.”

The Phillies released a statement apologizing ahead of time for what will inevitably happen to you this season and would offer you free tickets, but you would likely just see Joe Blanton pitch again.

“The odds of Joe Blanton starting a game are currently at about 19%, but unfortunately, when you purchase a ticket to watch a game, those odds balloon to 100%,” the statement read. “We can’t quite explain why this happens right now, but rest assured that it will happen. All we can do is apologize and suggest that you just enjoy what Joe has to offer.”

Another report suggests that there is at least a small chance that you may see Cole Hamels pitch, but since you have already seen him pitch 800 times, that really isn’t much of a consolation.

Experts also warned that if you decide not to attend a game where Joe Blanton is scheduled to pitch, there is a 100% chance that Cliff Lee will actually start that game and throw a perfect game.

Kyle Kendrick declares self in worst shape of career

Phillies pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training on Sunday and while most of the first day’s attention centered on the ‘Four Aces’ of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels, Kyle Kendrick turned heads by admitting that he may be in the worst shape he has ever been in.

“I really…feel like I…just ate…way too much…this offseason,” said a winded Kendrick after his sixth attempt to tie his shoes. “Is it…hot in here?”

Kendrick, who said he has not set any expectations for himself this season, has yet to resume any baseball-related or physical-related activities, but is looking forward to joining the rest of his teammates for lunch very soon.

Lee unfairly stereotypes Phils fans as ‘exciting’, ‘intelligent’

Cliff Lee landed in hot water on Wednesday for stereotyping Phillies fans as both “exciting” and “intelligent” during his introductory press conference.

The bigoted comments unfairly paint a welcoming picture of Phillies fans, which could destroy the town’s reputation for crass, rude and dangerous behavior that took the national media several decades to build.

“They get excited. They’re passionate fans,” Lee said during his unprovoked attack on Phillies fans. “I didn’t realize until I got here how interesting the city is. My family really liked it.”

Lee joins Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt in carrying on a disturbing trend of high-profile pitchers falling in love with playing in Philadelphia.

I’m nothing like Cliff Lee, by Roy Oswalt

I’m just not seeing it, folks.

Ever since I came here, I’ve been dodging comparisons to this guy like I’m some kinda of “replacement Lee” and I don’t get it.

I hear what people are saying about how we were both traded from awful teams to the Phillies at the deadline and helped guide them to the playoffs by winning seven games in 12 starts while winning the fans over by doing quirky things.

I mean I get all that. But how does that make me Cliff Lee?

Would Lee have run through the stop sign at third last night to make sure we get that crucial insurance run?

OK, he probably would’ve. Bad question.

But what about the fact that my birthday is on August 29?

What? Really? Cliff Lee’s is on August 30? Sonofabitch…

Well, I led the National League in WHIP this year? Did Cliff Lee…

He led the American League in WHIP this year? Seriously, though? Come on!

OK, so I’m “kinda” like Cliff Lee. Big deal.

Royz II Men – Evolution

Astros throw away perfectly good Roy Oswalt

The Phillies have acquired All-Star pitcher Roy Oswalt from a Houston curb after he was discarded by the Astros on Wednesday.

Though the Astros were reportedly interested in trading the 10-year veteran, it appears the team opted to go in another direction by abandoning Oswalt on the curb.

“We know Oswalt has had some back issues lately, but he still works just fine,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “I think he just needs a good wash and a couple shots of cortisone and he’ll work just like a new Oswalt.”

Sources close to the Phillies are saying the team felt bad for taking Oswalt and sent a perfectly good J.A. Happ to the Astros as a gesture of thanks.

Myers injury leaves gaping hole in rotation filled with several hundred gaping holes

Brett Myers may miss the rest of the season with a hip injury that will likely require surgery. It is also very likely that no one will notice that Myers is gone anyway, since we’re all numb to the chaos of Phils starters by now that his replacement’s inevitable implosion won’t seem all that bad.

The injury may prompt the Phillies front office to pull off a trade for another top-of-the-line pitcher like Jake Peavy, Roy Oswalt, Roy Halladay or Erik Bedard.

“It really stinks that Brett may have thrown his last pitch as a Phillie,” said GM Ruben Amaro. “But we have to stay positive here and realize that this gives us an excuse to go out and get an arm that can actually get people ou — I mean — go out and fill some holes in our rotation.”