Phillies prepare for Josh Johnson by acquiring Josh Johnson
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel spoke to reporters on Tuesday about the team’s preparation for tonight’s matchup against Marlins ace Josh Johnson, which included using a left-handed heavy lineup and acquiring Johnson in a trade.
“We came into this game watching a lot of video on Johnson and decided the best way to approach him is to be aggressive and trade for him as quickly as possible,” said Manuel. “Some of our guys have had success against him in the past, but we think these adjustments of moving him from the Marlins to our team will give us a significant edge.”
The Phillies also acquired Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison in the deal for Johnson and sent five no-named, garbage minor leaguers that will somehow turn into major league stars to the Marlins.
Report: Blanton to start every game you attend this season
Though Joe Blanton is currently locked in as the team’s fifth starter and will only pitch in about 15 of the Phillies’ 81 home games this year, you will somehow defy the odds and watch Blanton pitch every time you attend a game this year, according to several reports.
“Watch, if you go to five random games this year, you’ll get Joe Blanton every time,” your friend reported. “You literally have zero chance of watching the other four guys pitch. None.”
The Phillies released a statement apologizing ahead of time for what will inevitably happen to you this season and would offer you free tickets, but you would likely just see Joe Blanton pitch again.
“The odds of Joe Blanton starting a game are currently at about 19%, but unfortunately, when you purchase a ticket to watch a game, those odds balloon to 100%,” the statement read. “We can’t quite explain why this happens right now, but rest assured that it will happen. All we can do is apologize and suggest that you just enjoy what Joe has to offer.”
Another report suggests that there is at least a small chance that you may see Cole Hamels pitch, but since you have already seen him pitch 800 times, that really isn’t much of a consolation.
Experts also warned that if you decide not to attend a game where Joe Blanton is scheduled to pitch, there is a 100% chance that Cliff Lee will actually start that game and throw a perfect game.
Kyle Kendrick declares self in worst shape of career
Phillies pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training on Sunday and while most of the first day’s attention centered on the ‘Four Aces’ of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels, Kyle Kendrick turned heads by admitting that he may be in the worst shape he has ever been in.
“I really…feel like I…just ate…way too much…this offseason,” said a winded Kendrick after his sixth attempt to tie his shoes. “Is it…hot in here?”
Kendrick, who said he has not set any expectations for himself this season, has yet to resume any baseball-related or physical-related activities, but is looking forward to joining the rest of his teammates for lunch very soon.
Roy Halladay squeezes in quick workout between workouts
Phillies ace Roy Halladay, who has been training in Clearwater, FL since December 1, reported Tuesday that he was finally able to use a 20-minute break in between his extensive conditioning workouts to squeeze in some quick cardio on the stationary bike.
“With the core training, plyometric work, cardio and throwing sessions, it’s really hard to sneak in the additional core training, plyometric work, cardio and throwing that I need,” Roy Halladay said during a quick break to gets some squats in. “But working out all the time is no excuse to skip your workout.”
Halladay will reportedly step up his offseason workouts in the coming weeks after the NL Cy Young winner said he felt like he was “still in mid-season form.”
Lee unfairly stereotypes Phils fans as ‘exciting’, ‘intelligent’
Cliff Lee landed in hot water on Wednesday for stereotyping Phillies fans as both “exciting” and “intelligent” during his introductory press conference.
The bigoted comments unfairly paint a welcoming picture of Phillies fans, which could destroy the town’s reputation for crass, rude and dangerous behavior that took the national media several decades to build.
“They get excited. They’re passionate fans,” Lee said during his unprovoked attack on Phillies fans. “I didn’t realize until I got here how interesting the city is. My family really liked it.”
Lee joins Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt in carrying on a disturbing trend of high-profile pitchers falling in love with playing in Philadelphia.
Roy Holliday wins NL Cy Young, reports guy on net
According to a report from the comments section of a popular website, Phillies ace Roy Holliday was announced as the unanimous winner of the NL Cy Young Award on Tuesday and became the first two-time winner in baseball history.
Holliday, who hurled six perfect games this season, beat out Adam Wanerite of St. Louis and Yubo Himez of Colorado and led the majors in wins (like 25), ERA (below 2.00) and strikeouts (like 320 or so), according to the internet report.
Though regarded as one of the game’s best pitchers, Phillies ace Roy Halladay missed out on winning a second career Cy Young Award, but according to Twitter reports, pitchers Roy Halliday and Doc Holiday each won the award, which everyone was really excited about.
Facebook reports indicate that Cole Hammals didn’t get a single vote, which really sucked, but Astros pitcher Brett Meyers received two.
“What’s that all about?” the report continued.
Roy Halladay removes groin, walks back to Philadelphia
Following Thursday’s dramatic Game 5 win over the Giants, Roy Halladay downplayed the groin injury he suffered in the second inning by removing the muscle in front of reporters and taking off for Philadelphia on foot.
“It’s a non-issue,” Halladay said after the game. “You guys are putting way too much emphasis on some muscle I don’t really even need in the first place. Look. See? No groin. I’m still the same old Roy. Next question.”
Upon arrival in Philadelphia, Halladay plans on re-constructing a new groin from scrap metal while he waits for the rest of his team to arrive.
Inexperience proves costly as Halladay allows walk in debut
The Phillies offense was able to bail Roy Halladay out of a fifth inning walk as the staff ace’s lack of experience caught up to him in his postseason debut.
Halladay looked visibly shaken as he struggled with his command against Reds outfielder Jay Bruce, but superb defense and several clutch hits propelled the Phillies to a 4-0 win in Game 1 of the National League Division Series.
“Roy’s a professional and will be just fine for us,” manager Charlie Manuel said when asked if he was concerned about Halladay. “I just told him to try and put this outing behind him and forget about the walk. No one expected him to be perfect out there.”
Manuel added that with the experience Halladay gained in his first start, he should have the confidence he needs to “learn from his mistake and pitch better in his next start.”
Halladay’s clutch RBI single leads Phillies to Game 1 victory
Propelled by a key, two-out RBI single in the second inning by Roy Halladay, the Phillies cruised to a 4-0 victory over the Reds in Game 1 of the National League Division Series.
Playing in his first ever postseason game after 12 seasons in the majors, Halladay singled to left field off of Edinson Volquez, scoring Carlos Ruiz to put the Phillies up by a count of 2-0 in one of the more memorable moments in Phillies postseason history.
“I was just focusing on putting the bat on the ball and making some contact,” Halladay said of his clutch hit. “People are trying to make a big deal out of it, but I was just doing my job out there, which is to get on base and score runs any way I can.”
On the mound, Halladay scattered zero hits over nine innings of work, earning his first career postseason win.
Phillies clinch s-t out of fourth straight division title
Roy Halladay threw a complete game shutout against the Nationals on Monday as the Philies clinched the NL East shitless for the fourth straight year.
“If you told me a month ago that we’d clinch the living shit out of the NL East, I wouldn’t have believed you,” said Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. “It just goes to show you what this team is capable of.”
The shit was also clinched out of home-field advantage throughout the playoffs and the team will now focus on clinching the fuck out of its third straight National League pennant.
