Labor dispute ends after NFL wastes $9 billion on legal fees
The labor dispute between the NFL and its players over how to split the $9 billion in revenues from 2010 came to an end on Thursday after the league realized it had already blown all of the money on legal fees.
“Well then…I guess thatâs the end of that,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said of the labor dispute after the NFL and players immediately agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement since money was no longer an issue. “Itâs funny how easily you can just focus on whatâs best for the game when you remove $9 billion from the picture. Maybe weâll donate our revenues to charity from now on or something. Whatâs that? Am I serious? Ha-ha, of course not, but you shouldâve seen your face. Classic.”
As of press time, the NFL discovered that $6.27 had actually remained from the 2010 revenues which nullified the newly-signed CBA, sending the two sides back to court over how to divide the $6.27.
NFL turns abandoned stadiums into chain of Fuddruckers
Moments after announcing that the players had been locked out of the league, the NFL moved forward with plans to convert each of the newly abandoned stadiums into a chain of Fuddruckers restaurants.
“The players may be locked out of the NFL right now, but the flavor is definitely locked in our delicious hamburgers!” commissioner Roger Goodell said during a Tuesday press conference. “Donât labor another minute! Visit any of our 32 locations for family fun at a collective bargain! You definitely wonât leave the table disappointed!”
Goodell also announced that the Fuddruckers wait staff could face a potential lockout if the two sides cannot agree that 100% of everyoneâs tips belong to the NFL.
NFL disbands after league, union agree to disagree
After numerous failed attempts to come to terms on a new collective bargaining agreement, NFL owners and the players union respectfully agreed to disagree on Monday and dismantled the National Football League.
“Itâs the same argument over and over again and we never get anywhere,” said Roger Goodell, former commissioner of the now defunct NFL. “In the end we realized that the NFL just isnât worth ruining a friendship over, so both sides agreed to disagree and move onto something else.”
Though both sides reached an agreement to disagree, NFL owners and members of the players union continue to talk to everyone about how their side was right.
NFL, union still split on key issue of who loves money more
The NFL met with the NFL Players Association on Wednesday for yet another collective bargaining session and while both sides agree that lighting cigars with $100 bills is both convenient and entertaining, the parties still remain split over the key issue of which side is the most passionate about their incessant lust for money.
“It has always been the position of the NFLPA that if it donât make dollars, it donât make sense,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. “The NFL canât possibly love money more than these guys. We polled our players and 87% report fornicating with their money at least three times a day while the remaining 13% just enjoy spooning with it.”
If the two sides are unable to come to an agreement over whose depraved obsession with money is greater before the current CBA expires in March, the league will face a lockout.
“If the players loved money more, then they wouldnât oppose adding two more games to the schedule,” Indianapolis Colts president Bill Polian said while shredding a stack of $100 bills that he said were too wrinkled to use in public. “We are clearly ready to risk the stability and brand of the greatest professional sports league on the planet in order to make more money, so that should tell you just how far weâre willing to go just to make money we donât even need at this point.”
As of press time, the two sides were still posturing, beating their chests and throwing money around the room in hopes that the other side would recognize how awesome and important they are.
Kolb, Bradley given mandatory 8-count before returning to field
After being knocked down in Sundayâs 27-20 loss to the Packers, Kevin Kolb and Stewart Bradley were each given the mandatory eight-count by Eaglesâ trainers before being allowed to return to the field.
“Weâre required by the league to do it,” Andy Reid said of the extensive test to give the player eight seconds to return to consciousness. “I think itâs a little excessive, but rules are rules.”
The league-mandated eight-count has been used by NFL teams since the 2008 season when Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that the previous policy of ‘Play if thereâs a pulseâ jeopardized playersâ safety.
Goodell: Roethlisberger sexually violated NFL conduct policy
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said during a radio show appearance Monday that Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted the leagueâs personal conduct policy, and that a suspension would be forthcoming.
“According to witnesses, Roethlisberger was out drinking with his friends when he began to abuse the conduct policy, sexually,” said Goodell during the radio interview. “Thereâs no video of the incident and very little medical evidence that rape took place, but letâs be real here: This isnât the first time heâs done something like this. And seriously, just look at the guy. Doesnât he just look like a sexual predator to you? ”
Roethlisberger will likely face a four-game suspension, though Goodell hasnât ruled out chopping his dick off altogether.
Gross error shows Brian Dawkins on incorrect Pro Bowl roster
NFL Pro Bowl rosters were released on Tuesday and it appears someone made a huge mistake: Brian Dawkins is currently being listed on the AFC Pro Bowl roster, when he should be listed on the NFC roster as a representative from the Eagles.
“Someone f-ked up, big time,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said on Wednesday. “I have no idea how someone could make that kind of a mistake, but weâre investigating the matter and will find who is responsible.”
This current mistake could be related to a series of blunders following Dawkins this season that has the Eagles safety wearing a Denver Broncos jersey and playing on the road with the Broncos rather than with his Eagles teammates.
“Itâs all one big mix up and itâs obvious someone didnât do their job very well,” said Dawkins. “I wouldnât pay it any mind, though. Iâm an Eagle and Iâll always be an Eagle and thatâs all that matters.”
Vick eligible to disrupt Eagles offense starting Week 3
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave Michael Vick and the Eagles the green light to obliterate their existing offensive playbook sooner than previously expected. The Eagles will be free to experiment with their new toy starting in Week 3 at home against the Chiefs, when Vick will be fully reinstated by the league.
Andy Reid spoke about the news and didnât seem all that pleased by Goodellâs decision.
“I really canât tell you Iâm happy about this,” said Reid. “Goodell led us to believe Michael wouldnât be available until around Week 4 or 5. We still have no freaking clue how weâre actually going to use him in games and now heâll be available Week 3? Goodell completely screwed us.”
Vick played in the teamâs final preseason game and was sacked four times, lost a fumble and threw an interception in the 38-27 loss to the Jets but did manage to run two yards for a touchdown in the second quarter.
“I wanted to end the preseason on a high note,” Vick said after the game. “And as you can see that didnât happen. But at least my first game back is against the Chiefs which weâre treating like a fifth preseason game at this point.”
Sluggish Favre demanding games be played before supper
Vikings head coach Brad Childress was approached by a very groggy and inattentive Brett Favre late Saturday afternoon about the start times for the remaining preseason and regular season games.
Since returning to football about a month ago, Favre has had a hard time coping with the NFLâs policy to play games during late-afternoon and prime time hours.
Favre made his Vikings debut on August 21 and struggled in his brief appearance, completing one of his four passes for only four total yards against the Chiefs. The aging QB attributed his lack of focus and general cantankerous behavior to what he has labeled as “inappropriate” game times.
“I donât know why they have us playing at all hours of the night like this,” Favre said during a midday practice session. “Since when do we play games at four in the evening? As much as I love this game, thereâs no way I can be productive at such an unholy hour.”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters that he received a hand-written letter from Favre demanding a change to the Vikings game times to coincide with the Mississippi nativeâs two oâclock supper time.
“This isnât the first time Iâve dealt with something like this,” said Goodell. “I get about two or three of these every year from the older guys still hanging around in the league. Vinny Testaverde actually wanted to replace the Gatorade jugs with prune juice a few years back. I sent him a crossword puzzle book as a compromise and havenât heard from him since.”
