Phillies sign Pittsburgh Pirates to minor league deal

The Phillies announced the signing of the Pittsburgh Pirates to a minor league deal on Wednesday and invited the veteran franchise to Spring Training.

The signing gives the Phillies additional infield, outfield, pitching and catching depth, though general manager Ruben Amaro does not anticipate the 126-year-old club to make the major league roster.

“No, are you kidding? Oh, God no,” Amaro said to reporters on Wednesday. “We signed them because they’re hilarious. I mean look at how happy that poor guy is just for catching the ball. And batting practice? Ooooh man, don’t leave here until you’ve seen batting practice.”

The Pirates hit .243 in 5,386 at bats last season.

Batter swings, misses at Kyle Kendrick fastball

History was made on Saturday as a batter failed to make any contact whatsoever with a pitched ball from Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick.

Pirates rookie outfielder Pedro Alvarez faced Kendrick in the second inning when he unexpectedly came up empty on the pitcher’s fastball, without so much as a foul tip.

“It’s emasculating,” said Alvarez of his historic swing. “I destroyed the next pitch for a home run, but the stink of missing that first one won’t go away any time soon.”

Alvarez is reportedly considering retirement from professional baseball and a full investigation has been launched to figure out how he was able to miss that pitch.

Phillies struggles continue against winless, armless pitcher

Pirates pitcher Ross Ohlendorf hadn’t won a game since August 18 of last season and hadn’t had arms in ever, but managed to hold the Phillies to five hits in seven shutout innings with eight strikeouts.

Ohlendorf had previously struggled with his lack of discernible talent or ability to grip and throw a baseball, but somehow excelled against the reigning National League champions, picking up his first win in nearly a full calendar year.

“We’ve been struggling for a while now, but I think this is a new low,” Jayson Werth said after the game. “It’s bad enough that the guy plays for the Pirates and has never held or thrown a baseball before, but to lose to a guy that hasn’t won a game since last August is kind of ridiculous.”

The Phillies lost to the Pirates the previous night when Daniel McCutchen, who carried an 0-3 record and an 11.00 ERA into the game and was born without a torso or bones, held the Phillies to one earned run over 5.1 innings.