Reid: We’re happy with the way Kolb is regressing
Following the announcement on Tuesday that Michael Vick would be the Eagles’ starting quarterback for the remainder of the season, Eagles head coach Andy Reid maintained that Kevin Kolb’s slow regression as the team’s starting quarterback of the future is still “right on track.”
“The fourth year as a backup is critical to becoming an elite NFL quarterback,” Reid said without cracking a smile. “We’re not sure his skills are eroding quickly enough, but mentally, his confidence is shot to all kinds of hell, which is an important step in his development.”
Reid then discussed his plans to further Kolb’s relapse by breaking his throwing arm in five places, murdering his entire family and releasing him on Christmas morning.
“Kevin will be a great quarterback one day,” Reid added with a straight face.
Eagles to start Mike Kafka if everyone doesn’t shut up
Eagles head coach Andy Reid announced Tuesday that he will go with rookie Mike Kafka at quarterback against the Jaguars if everyone doesn’t get off of his freaking back already.
“I’ve decided that Mike Kafka is gonna be my guy on Sunday if you guys don’t shut it up,” threatened Reid. “So, if you want Kafka on the field, keep bumping them gums about how Vick isn’t starting, OK? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Kevin Kolb doesn’t looks so bad now, does he?”
Reid noted that Kafka will practice with the first team offense this week just in case the head coach hears another peep from anyone else.
Michael Vick showing signs of former self, experts warn
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick showed signs that he may be returning to his old self during his preseason debut, and according to NFL experts, the playmaker could make it back to a Pro Bowl soon, then back to prison shortly thereafter.
“Vick is showing flashes of the talent and swagger that made him one of the premier quarterbacks in the league and a menace to himself and innocent dogs,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter warned on Monday. “He’s getting away from being the quiet, mostly useless quarterback we were accustomed to seeing last year, and that’s not good news for Eagles fans.”
Eagles president Jeff Lurie said that the team will keep a close eye on Vick and will consider releasing or trading the quarterback if his performance rises any further.
Jeff Lurie, Michael Vick star in ‘Lean On Me’
August 6, 2010 by Zaki
Filed under Photo Phun
‘Best Job in U.S.’ awarded to whatever it is Michael Vick does
The Wall Street Journal released its annual list of ‘Best and Worst Jobs’ and whatever it is that Michael Vick does with the Eagles beat out Mathematician for the top spot.
“As a convicted felon with eroded skills, we’re unsure how he got this job or, for that matter, what this job is,” said WSJ spokesman Stephen Duffy. “But whatever it is, it’s easily the greatest job in America. Ever.”
With a starting salary of $1.6 million, Vick’s job with the Eagles still remains a complete and total mystery, but according to Vick, it may involve standing, with occasional sitting, but very little running.
Vick stood and sat enough in 2009 to earn a $3.6 million dollar raise this year, giving him a $5.2 million salary and the title of ‘Best Job in America’.
“It’s a great job,” Vick said of whatever he’s supposed to be doing this year with the Eagles, “and I do it well.”
Vick also topped Wall Street Journal’s list of ‘People Dumber Than Toast’ for repeatedly trying to get fired from his cushy, do-nothing job.
Eagles to police: Vick ‘of no interest’ to us either
While investigating a shooting that took place outside a Virginia Beach nightclub that had been hosting a birthday party for Michael Vick, police informed the Eagles on Wednesday that the former Pro Bowler “doesn’t interest us anymore as a football player.”
The Eagles responded by saying that “yeah, I kind of know what you mean” and “he doesn’t interest us either, but what other choice do we have right now,” according to one team spokesman.
The Eagles informed police that while they may have had some interest in Vick several months ago when they were trying to sell merchandise and stay relevant in the news, their current interest in the former Pro Bowler has officially bottomed out. The team also repeatedly asked police if they were sure Vick wasn’t involved in the shooting because, according to team owner Jeffrey Lurie, “that would really help us out in trying to get rid of him.”
Reid to NFL: Vick perfect for wildcat, stuff like that
In an effort to spur interest in a potential trade for Michael Vick, Andy Reid announced to the rest of the NFL that Vick is “perfect for the wildcat, and other stuff like that.” Reid is certain several teams will be intrigued with Vick’s ability to run the wildcat offense and all of the other stuff he can probably do too.
“Michael Vick is the perfect quarterback for, say, the wildcat,” said Reid. “Of course he can do other things. I was just using that as an example. I’m sure he has other relevant quarterbacking skills.”
According to Reid, Vick has a vast skill set, and can still line-up at quarterback for a number of NFL teams.
“If you don’t believe me, check out our film from last year. He lined up at quarterback every time we sent him into the game. Not wide receiver, not left guard, but quarterback. You don’t find talent like that every day. Plus, you just can’t ignore his ability to run the wildcat and do all that other stuff, too.”
Reid stands by decision to sit Kolb for remainder of career
Eagles head coach Andy Reid will not second guess his decision to bench Kevin Kolb for the rest of his life.
After the Eagles capped off a close, 30-27 victory over the Broncos on Sunday, Reid had to answer for his decision to never allow his backup quarterback to see the light of day again.
“We’re one of the hottest teams in the league right now, and Kevin’s bench play has been huge for us,” Reid said. “We need him well rested so he can give us some quality rest from the bench in the playoffs.”
Kolb took the news surprisingly well and even agreed with Reid’s decision to play McNabb and occasionally mix in Michael Vick for some ridiculous reason.
“Coach Reid said I’m a valuable asset to the team and he needs me on the bench so I won’t get any ouchies or boo-boos,” Kolb said on Monday. “I totally respect his decision and I just want to make sure I’m ready if the time ever comes for me to touch or possibly throw a football again.”
Vick recognized for courageous journey back to humanity
Michael Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates, after the former barbarian defied all odds by courageously returning to life as a regular human being.
“It means a great deal to me,” Vick said Wednesday. “I was voted unanimously by my teammates. They know what I’ve been through. I’ve been through a lot. I had to learn how to hold a fork, tie my shoes, pay my bills, brush my teeth, not kill dogs, speak English and most importantly, not kill dogs. I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear.”
Though other teams voted in players that give back to the community (and the world) without a team mandate and fought through debilitating injuries to stay on the field, they were all no match for Vick’s drive and determination to become a regular human being like the rest of us that don’t drown dogs for fun.
“Michael has really turned his life around, and despite what people are saying, it has absolutely nothing to do with the $1.6 million he’s being paid to play football and turn his life around,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “In the short time he’s been with us, he’s gone from dragging his knuckles on the ground to scoring three touchdowns on the ground, which is remarkable. The sheer courage it took for him to finally walk upright and the sportsmanship he has displayed as a backup quarterback has been a real inspiration to us all, and hopefully the rest of Philadelphia as well.”
To cheer or not to cheer for Dawkins? That is the (dumb) question
December 22, 2009 by Zaki
Filed under Analysis & Opinions
In terms of fan decorum, It’s a no-brainer and the only reason I’m even writing this is because the question is being posed around town: Of course you cheer for Brian Dawkins’ return to the Linc and any Eagles fan that bought a ticket to the game and doesn’t de-ass themselves from their seat should be tossed…from life…immediately.
There’s no possible way to justify letting Dawk go while you take a chance and sign Michael Vick. It’s because of this that cheering on number 20 is just as much a snub to the Eagles front office as it is a “thank you” to the man that represents the Eagles franchise as much as anyone in history.
I’m sure that if the game is close in the fourth quarter and Dawk levels Donovan McNabb to force a fourth down, you may not hear too many cheers outta folks, but this is sports. We watch this stuff for entertainment and for a lot of people, following a favorite player trumps following the team as a whole. I could certainly understand people’s loyalty to the man, even if he’s now playing for the other side.
Hopefully the Birds will stuff the Broncos early so everyone can cheer on Dawk guilt-free for the entire game, though.
