Kyle Kendrick declares self in worst shape of career

Phillies pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training on Sunday and while most of the first day’s attention centered on the ‘Four Aces’ of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels, Kyle Kendrick turned heads by admitting that he may be in the worst shape he has ever been in.

“I really…feel like I…just ate…way too much…this offseason,” said a winded Kendrick after his sixth attempt to tie his shoes. “Is it…hot in here?”

Kendrick, who said he has not set any expectations for himself this season, has yet to resume any baseball-related or physical-related activities, but is looking forward to joining the rest of his teammates for lunch very soon.

Batter swings, misses at Kyle Kendrick fastball

History was made on Saturday as a batter failed to make any contact whatsoever with a pitched ball from Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick.

Pirates rookie outfielder Pedro Alvarez faced Kendrick in the second inning when he unexpectedly came up empty on the pitcher’s fastball, without so much as a foul tip.

“It’s emasculating,” said Alvarez of his historic swing. “I destroyed the next pitch for a home run, but the stink of missing that first one won’t go away any time soon.”

Alvarez is reportedly considering retirement from professional baseball and a full investigation has been launched to figure out how he was able to miss that pitch.

Phillies offense tired of having to support Roy Halladay

After weeks of providing little support for ace pitcher Roy Halladay, the Phillies offense has decided to cut the pitcher off altogether and insist that he become more self-sufficient around here.

“We want to help him out, but he doesn’t want to even help himself,” Ryan Howard said of Halladay, who has only contributed a .116 batting average to help his own cause. “We’ve only spotted him a few runs in the past month or so, hoping he would get the hint and either leave or get to work, but he just sits there hoping everybody else will do the work for him. We’ll see how much he likes no run support at all. And if he doesn’t like it, then he can carry his freeloadin’ ass back to the American League with their designated mommies that do your hitting for you.”

The offense plans to use the runs they would have scored for Halladay to further support Kyle Kendrick for some reason.

Rollins wants to go back to DL after struggling on the outside

Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins was released from the Disabled List on Monday but the former MVP is already talking about wanting to return after struggling to adjust to life on the outside, a sign that he may be institutionalized.

Rollins was 2-for-4 with two runs scored in the Phillies’ 12-2 romp over the Pirates on Monday, his first game back after serving a one-month stint on the Phillies bench.

“There’s a harsh truth to face. No way I’m gonna make it on the outside,” said Rollins, who began his temporary job as a three-hole hitter on Monday. “All I do anymore is think of ways to injure myself so they’ll send me back. I could injure Kyle [Kendrick] while I’m at it, sort of like a bonus.”

Phillies pitcher Ryan Madson is currently serving a two-month stretch for aggravated assault on a metal folding chair, though Madson maintains his life was threatened and acted in self defense.

The Phillies are in serious trouble right now, by Joey Bagadonuts

Raul Ibanez can’t hit, Kendrick can’t get anyone out, the Marlins just showed they can beat us, the Braves are right on our tails, Moyer’s old as hell, Jimmy Rollins is hurt, Lidge is stinking it up in the minors and won’t be able to close, Danys Baez and David Herndon can’t hold a lead, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton are missing starts, Chase Utley stopped hitting homers, the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, Placido Polanco’s average is below .400, nobody’s stealing bases, fans are projectile vomiting on little girls, I still don’t trust Cole Hamels and I’m worried about what’s gonna happen with this team.

One of the first things the Phillies need to do is bench Raul and give Ben Francisco a chance out there. We should be able to trade Raul for some bullpen help, which is what we need anyway. I just don’t know why Charlie keeps putting him in the lineup when he stinks like this. I’m pretty sure Domonic Brown is ready by now. Why don’t we bring him up to take Raul’s place? What’s the hold up here?

The Marlins and Braves are seriously on our ass in the NL East and I think it’s gonna be a serious battle the whole year and there’s a chance we could miss the playoffs. The Marlins just beat us in two out of three games and even though the Braves are hitting .233 as a team right now, when they get going, they’re gonna be dangerous with the pitching staff they have. I just don’t feel right about our chances right now.

There are so many other things we need to fix before we can consider ourselves a real contender in the National League. I’m as optimistic as they come, but I’m freaking out right now. I know we’re only 12 games into the season, but if this isn’t time to hit the panic button, then when is?

Phils offense picks up, throws away Kendrick in win over Nats

Kyle Kendrick gave up six earned runs in less than two innings of work, but the Phillies offense was able to pick the pitcher up and dispose of him out back.

The Phillies, off to their best start since 1993, responded well with continued support from the bullpen and an offensive explosion of 14 runs after Kendrick was mutilated and finally discarded during the second inning.

“It’s like that piece of garbage sitting in your neighbor’s yard,” said Ryan Howard. “Eventually, you just get tired of looking at it, so you go over there and throw it out. As much as we love Kyle, he was making the neighborhood look bad.”

Charlie Manuel has not yet made a decision on whether the long-dead Kendrick will make another start for the team or if he will stay out back until next Wednesday’s garbage day.

New Hamels just old Hamels with fake mustache

The critically-acclaimed 2010 version of Cole Hamels made his regular season debut on Wednesday against the Nationals, which just turned out to be a mustachioed version of 2009 Cole Hamels.

“If he didn’t have that thing on, I’d say he didn’t change a thing from last year,” said Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee of Hamels and his fake mustache. “Hopefully he takes that [expletive] off and uses the new pitches we worked on the next time he goes out there.”

Hamels picked up the win despite throwing 103 pitches in just five innings of work, giving up two unearned runs on five hits and four walks.

The Phillies will look for the series sweep against the Nationals tonight as Kyle Kendrick debuts his new “keep-it-in-the-ballpark” pitch and Iguodala glasses.

Phillies rotation set with Moyer in final spot, Kendrick to bullpen

As someone that’s said numerous times that Jamie Moyer is more of a burden than a help at this point, I have to admit the man earned his spot.

Somehow, he morphed into Cliff Lee in his two spring starts (0.77 ERA over 11.2 innings) and took the fifth spot from Kyle Kendrick, who also had a very impressive spring (1.66 ERA over 21.2 innings).

Normally, I’d be talking about how you can’t judge someone based on two starts, especially during spring training, but the guy held most of the regular Yankee lineup to one hit over six innings. There’s no amount of luck that will carry a pitcher to that kind of performance. If even for a brief moment, he showed he’s got something left.

I don’t think anyone has much confidence that Moyer will stay there the entire season or even make it through April without people talking about demoting him once again, but he did what he had to do, which was dominate and show he still belongs in the majors.

Charlie Manuel: Moyer kinda like an old guy that won’t retire

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel reiterated on Monday that Jamie Moyer still leads the race for the fifth spot in the Phillies rotation by endorsing the 47-year-old pitcher as “that lovable old guy at the office that doesn’t know when to hang it up.”

“Everyone loves and respects those guys,” Manuel continued. “People write stories about them. Despite the criticism and well-below average production, they show up to work every day as if nothing has changed. How can you not respect that?”

Kyle Kendrick is currently competing with Moyer for the final spot in the rotation and echoed Manuel’s praise for the 23-year veteran Moyer.

“I think everyone is glad he’s still hanging around here,” said Kendrick. “Not because we feel like it’s wrong to want an older guy to step aside when we all know his time has passed, but because we genuinely respect what he’s trying to do. Which is to literally pitch himself to death, I think.”

Manuel: I trust my bullpen, just not around my wife or a baseball

Charlie Manuel answered questions on Friday about his decision to go with potential Game 3 starters Joe Blanton and J.A. Happ out of the bullpen after Cole Hamels — who apparently couldn’t wait until February to knock his wife up — left after five innings in the 5-4 loss to the Rockies.

Some have said Manuel brought in his starters because he no longer trusts anyone out of the bullpen.

“Everybody says I don’t trust my bullpen and that’s just not true,” Manuel said. “Just because I don’t want them anywhere near my wife or to pitch in a game ever again doesn’t mean I don’t trust them with other things…like driving to the ballpark and dressing themselves.”

Though Blanton and Happ’s use in Game 2 doesn’t prevent either from starting Game 4, it does mean that Pedro Martinez will start for the Phillies on Saturday for Game 3. It also means that Kyle Kendrick and/or Brad Lidge’s spot on the playoff roster could have been filled by John Mayberry Jr., who could have pinch run on Thursday instead of risking Cliff Lee with the game on the line.

Manuel also suffered a mild stroke in the seventh inning when he was forced to bring in Scott Eyre to replace Happ, who took a line drive off of the leg and had to leave the game.

“It’s not that I won’t use the guys from the ‘pen,” Manuel explained on Friday. “They’re just last on my list after I’ve used the starters and asked all 46,000 or so fans if they want to take a crack at it first.”

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