Eagles named least valuable franchise by Eagles Fan Magazine

For the 50th straight year, the Philadelphia Eagles were ranked dead last as the least valuable franchise in all of sports, worth $3.50 according to Eagles Fan Magazine.

The value jumped just over $3 since this time last year, when the team was worth approximately $0.32 after Kevin Kolb was named the team’s starting quarterback.

According to the valuation, team owner Jeff Lurie has lost approximately $185 million after purchasing the team for $185 million in 1994. However, analysts predict that a Super Bowl win could add several billion to the current $3.50 value.

Topping the list for the third straight year are the Philadelphia Phillies, who are valued at $918 trillion, up $296 trillion from last year due to the Cliff Lee signing.

NovaCare Complex converted to minimum security prison

After more than a decade of planning, the Eagles finally completed the conversion of the NovaCare Complex into a fully-functional minimum security prison and are currently awaiting the transfer of former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress.

The building, now referred to as the NovaCare Correctional Facility, will house non-violent inmates that have shown, over an extended period of time, the ability to play football at a very high level.

Eagles owner Jeff Lurie spoke Friday about the completion of the facility and what it meant to finally realize his dream of becoming a prison warden.

“I’ve dreamed of this day since I was a young kid,” Lurie said while trying to hold back tears. “To finally be able to rehabilitate young men and turn them into productive, revenue-generating NFL players is pretty overwhelming.”

While Lurie and the Eagles are anxious to bring Burress into the newly-renovated facility, the team is also reportedly scouting a linebacker out of Rockview State Correctional Institution currently serving a 14-year sentence for aggravated assault, but ran the 40 in under 4.2 seconds and has exceptional upper-body strength.

Andy Reid enters miraculous 4,400th day of employment

One of the most remarkable streaks in all of sport was extended on Thursday as the Eagles retained Andy Reid as the team’s head coach for the 4,400th consecutive day.

Reid hasn’t missed a day of employment since January 11, 1999 and is now the longest-tenured head coach in the NFL after the Titans fired Jeff Fisher.

“I’ve done the unthinkable,” said Reid. “But what kind of guy would I be if I didn’t mention the front office’s part in keeping this streak alive. Jeff (Lurie) and Joe (Banner), you guys are awesome. Don’t ever change.”

Reid’s streak nearly came to an end on Sunday after a report revealed the head coach openly criticised David Akers for missing two field goals during the Eagles playoff loss to the Packers despite knowing that the kicker’s daughter was hospitalized for a potentially life-threatening cyst. However, Reid persevered and kept his historic streak alive.

“This streak has been hard on me and my family, but it’s the team that has suffered the most,” said Reid. “But I owe it to my fan out there to keep going. This is for you, Steve.”

Eagles-Vikings game postponed until snow shovel found

The NFL announced that Sunday’s game between the Eagles and Vikings will be postponed indefinitely after the city of Philadelphia’s snow shovel and mittens could not be found.

Emergency crews worked all day Sunday and into the night to try and locate the lost items, but could not find the shovel or any other makeshift tool to clear the streets of snow in time for the game.

“Even if we could locate the shovel, we would still need to find the mittens,” said Eagles owner Jeff Lurie. “No mittens, no football in Philly. That’s what it came down to.”

Sidelined by the storm on Sunday, the Eagles and Vikings enjoyed a thrilling pickup game in the snow at Lincoln Financial Field which the Eagles won 91-3.

Michael Vick showing signs of former self, experts warn

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick showed signs that he may be returning to his old self during his preseason debut, and according to NFL experts, the playmaker could make it back to a Pro Bowl soon, then back to prison shortly thereafter.

“Vick is showing flashes of the talent and swagger that made him one of the premier quarterbacks in the league and a menace to himself and innocent dogs,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter warned on Monday. “He’s getting away from being the quiet, mostly useless quarterback we were accustomed to seeing last year, and that’s not good news for Eagles fans.”

Eagles president Jeff Lurie said that the team will keep a close eye on Vick and will consider releasing or trading the quarterback if his performance rises any further.

Jeff Lurie, Michael Vick star in ‘Lean On Me’