Astros throw away perfectly good Roy Oswalt

The Phillies have acquired All-Star pitcher Roy Oswalt from a Houston curb after he was discarded by the Astros on Wednesday.

Though the Astros were reportedly interested in trading the 10-year veteran, it appears the team opted to go in another direction by abandoning Oswalt on the curb.

“We know Oswalt has had some back issues lately, but he still works just fine,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “I think he just needs a good wash and a couple shots of cortisone and he’ll work just like a new Oswalt.”

Sources close to the Phillies are saying the team felt bad for taking Oswalt and sent a perfectly good J.A. Happ to the Astros as a gesture of thanks.

The Phillies are in serious trouble right now, by Joey Bagadonuts

Raul Ibanez can’t hit, Kendrick can’t get anyone out, the Marlins just showed they can beat us, the Braves are right on our tails, Moyer’s old as hell, Jimmy Rollins is hurt, Lidge is stinking it up in the minors and won’t be able to close, Danys Baez and David Herndon can’t hold a lead, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton are missing starts, Chase Utley stopped hitting homers, the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, Placido Polanco’s average is below .400, nobody’s stealing bases, fans are projectile vomiting on little girls, I still don’t trust Cole Hamels and I’m worried about what’s gonna happen with this team.

One of the first things the Phillies need to do is bench Raul and give Ben Francisco a chance out there. We should be able to trade Raul for some bullpen help, which is what we need anyway. I just don’t know why Charlie keeps putting him in the lineup when he stinks like this. I’m pretty sure Domonic Brown is ready by now. Why don’t we bring him up to take Raul’s place? What’s the hold up here?

The Marlins and Braves are seriously on our ass in the NL East and I think it’s gonna be a serious battle the whole year and there’s a chance we could miss the playoffs. The Marlins just beat us in two out of three games and even though the Braves are hitting .233 as a team right now, when they get going, they’re gonna be dangerous with the pitching staff they have. I just don’t feel right about our chances right now.

There are so many other things we need to fix before we can consider ourselves a real contender in the National League. I’m as optimistic as they come, but I’m freaking out right now. I know we’re only 12 games into the season, but if this isn’t time to hit the panic button, then when is?

Would Halladay and Lee be in the same rotation if Jamie Moyer retired?

I think everyone with at least one finger on the Phillies’ bandwagon would say ‘yes’, Cliff Lee would probably be our number two starter right now if Jamie Moyer retired either during or after last season.

I’m not necessarily saying that Moyer is the sole reason why the Phils will not march into the World Series with a stacked lineup and rotation this season, but he’s certainly not helping the situation. The Phillies owe Moyer around $8 million for 2010 to compete to be our fifth and final starter in the rotation behind Halladay, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton and J.A. Happ. And by ‘compete’, I mean that he may not even get the job and we could have an $8 million long reliever on our hands.

Moyer balked when he was pulled from the rotation late last season, even when it was the best move for the team. Now it’s looking like Moyer is interfering with the team’s improvement again, but this time it’s without even throwing a pitch.

I’ve got nothing against Moyer and he was as much a part of 2008 as anyone else, but when I think about how we could have had Cliff Lee — for at least 2010 — over a 47-year-old pitcher who was bumped out of the rotation last season and is coming off of several surgeries, I think that’s a no-brainer.

I don’t think any of us would have passed on signing a 2-year $13 million deal like Moyer did, so I blame the Phillies for giving a 45-year-old that much money for two years, but at the very least step up and say you’d defer some of your money to next year so we can afford to keep Lee on the team.

Of course, the deferring money thing applies to everyone else on the team as well, like so many others have said. Are we to understand that there was no possible way to keep Lee here at all? I call shenanigans on you, Ruben…and whoever else was involved in this whole process.

As always, I’ll reserve my more viscous judgment until later on, but if Moyer tanks again or we make it to the World Series and Halladay’s the only pitcher pulling his weight, we’ll look back on this trade and know that this is where we went wrong.

More Halladay madness at the Winter Meetings

I think everyone is pretty numb to the prospect of the Phillies somehow trading for Roy Halladay by now — especially since we get to trot Clifton Phifer Christ out there every fifth day — but SI’s Jon Heyman is saying the team is jumping into the mix again.

These things rarely actually turn out the way we all think they will, but it’s looking like the Angels are in the best position to land Halladay with the Phils just sticking around to see how far the price may drop before they consider getting heavily involved.

Right now, the Angels are reportedly offering Joe Saunders, Erick Aybar and minor league OF Peter Bourjos for Halladay, which is a less than the summer asking price of Kyle Drabek, J.A. Happ and either Domonic Brown or Michael Taylor, but still pretty steep. I’d say a similar deal with the Phillies would involve Happ, Taylor and either Shane Victorino or a lower-level prospect, which is doable but still a bit much.

Not only is there the issue of the trade, but with Lee and Halladay’s contracts expiring after 2010, the Phils would essentially have to choose between one or the other, so this is looking like a one-year fling even if it gets done. Stranger things have happened, though. I think with the right combination of a World Series win next season and if Dave Montgomery knocks off a couple banks, we could work something out and keep both pitchers for the next 10 years and completely forget what it was ever like to watch losing baseball in this town.

Manuel: I trust my bullpen, just not around my wife or a baseball

Charlie Manuel answered questions on Friday about his decision to go with potential Game 3 starters Joe Blanton and J.A. Happ out of the bullpen after Cole Hamels — who apparently couldn’t wait until February to knock his wife up — left after five innings in the 5-4 loss to the Rockies.

Some have said Manuel brought in his starters because he no longer trusts anyone out of the bullpen.

“Everybody says I don’t trust my bullpen and that’s just not true,” Manuel said. “Just because I don’t want them anywhere near my wife or to pitch in a game ever again doesn’t mean I don’t trust them with other things…like driving to the ballpark and dressing themselves.”

Though Blanton and Happ’s use in Game 2 doesn’t prevent either from starting Game 4, it does mean that Pedro Martinez will start for the Phillies on Saturday for Game 3. It also means that Kyle Kendrick and/or Brad Lidge’s spot on the playoff roster could have been filled by John Mayberry Jr., who could have pinch run on Thursday instead of risking Cliff Lee with the game on the line.

Manuel also suffered a mild stroke in the seventh inning when he was forced to bring in Scott Eyre to replace Happ, who took a line drive off of the leg and had to leave the game.

“It’s not that I won’t use the guys from the ‘pen,” Manuel explained on Friday. “They’re just last on my list after I’ve used the starters and asked all 46,000 or so fans if they want to take a crack at it first.”

Seriously, what is that smell coming from the Phils dugout

No one seems to know what that noxious smell is or exactly where it came from, but the 25-man hurricane of funk seemed to pick up strength as it tore through Atlanta on Wednesday, injuring at least 31 transplant Phillies fans.

“I got a whiff of something as I drove to the stadium,” said Keith Marks, an Atlanta-based Phillies fan. “This wasn’t that typical Hot-lanta stink, this was much, much worse. And it only got stronger the closer we got to the park.”

Team officials first started to notice a strong odor emitting from select players in mid-June, but passed it off as common flatulence and didn’t want to say anything.

“Some games we would roll along and not smell a thing,” recalls J.A. Happ. “Then out of nowhere, your nose hairs are singed off and you’re passed out on the dugout floor. It’s the damndest thing.”

Parliament’s George Clinton was in attendance at Wednesday’s game and while he could offer no solution to quell the funk, he did mention that he was “thoroughly impressed.”

Experts are predicting the massive system will head back toward the Philadelphia area on Friday, though it’s entirely possible that it could dissipate due to a much larger system of funk traveling south from New York.

Phils learn dangers of taking Chan Ho in large doses; Happ replaces Park in rotation

Charlie Manuel and the Phillies learned the hard way that it’s best to take Chan Ho Park in small, one- to three-inning doses out of the bullpen.

It’s been well documented that teams using Chan Ho in larger doses run the risk of astronomical ERAs, fainting and severe swelling in the loss column.

“We knew what the instructions on the back of the bottle were,” said Rich Dubee. “But we thought that was just a recommendation. Now we know the dangers of Chan Ho abuse . . . and knowing is half the battle.”

J.A. Happ will take Park’s spot in the rotation and will start against the Yankees this weekend.

Kendrick's philanthropy hurting chances of joining rotation

Kyle Kendrick continued his charity work on the mound by giving up eight earned runs in only three innings today against the Braves. The two-year vet is currently battling for the final spot in the Phillies rotation with Chan Ho Park, J.A. Happ and Carlos Carrasco, but it appears he is more interested in helping others get through this rough economy.

“I thought about how I could either pitch my butt off this spring and win a job, or I could let a couple guys tee off on me and help them earn jobs,” Kendrick said following Wednesday’s outing. “I’ve got a couple more starts to prove I’m capable of getting fringe minor leaguers out. In the meantime, if I have to give up two homers to a guy that hit one all last season [Clint Sammons] to help him earn a living, then I’m happy to help.”