ESPN in chaos after video of fans booing McNabb goes missing

In what police are already calling “one of the darkest days in Connecticut history,” ESPN’s Bristol headquarters are currently ablaze after stock footage of Philadelphia fans booing Donovan McNabb went missing Thursday morning.

“Is this really happening?!” shouted a tearful Chris McKendry as she watched her offices slowly burn to the ground. “Do we really have no footage of Philly fans booing McNabb?!”

Emergency crews were brought in to try and rescue as many archived videos as possible to try and find footage of Philly fans’ mistreatment of McNabb in preparation for Sunday’s game between the Eagles and Redskins, but with no success.

“In all my years as a firefighter, I’ve never seen such devastation,” said Greg Krygiel of the Bristol Fire Department. “The screams of ‘What the hell are we gonna talk about now!’ and ‘Snowball…Santa!’ were chilling.”

Krygiel said he later found NFL analyst Mark Schlereth badly burned and with a video tape in his hand mumbling “Irvin…taser…puke…Philly…hate you guys…” before dying in the firefighter’s arms.

Local officials have officially designated ESPN headquarters as a disaster area and have called off the search for video of fans booing McNabb to concentrate on locating the company’s journalistic integrity.

Football expert unsure how to grip, throw football

According to witnesses, award-winning NFL expert John Clayton reportedly looked “confused” and “not at all comfortable” when asked to throw an actual football on Friday.

“Judging by the way he held the football with both hands, we started to wonder if he had ever touched a football before,” said one non-football expert witness of the football expert. “Then he tried to throw it and we didn’t wonder anymore.”

Clayton, who recently ranked Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb 24th out of 32 NFL quarterbacks, was inducted into the writers’ wing of the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2007, a full three years before touching an actual football for the first time.

Report: ESPN still listing that same story as breaking news

Several household sources are reporting that ESPN has been breaking the same news story for the past 159 hours now.

“Yep, there it is again. It’s apparently still breaking news,” reported one source that originally thought something new was about to break when the red ‘breaking news’ heading showed up on the ESPN ticker. “After 159 hours, should that even be considered regular news?”

The story first appeared over six days ago as an important news story and while it should have been switched to a ‘developing story’ soon thereafter, ESPN elected to continue to report the story as breaking news because they’re ESPN and that’s what they do.

Bar sources indicate that Drew at Chickie’s and Pete’s may pressure the FCC to “set some rules or something because this is ridiculous.”

FCC investigating ESPN, LeBron James after on-air coitus

Obnoxious sports network ESPN and renowned narcissist LeBron James have landed in hot water with the FCC after fucking on national television for more than 60 minutes on Thursday.

ESPN had been warned by the FCC for fellating the two-time MVP numerous times in the past, but the consensual love-making session on Thursday night may finally earn the network a substantial fine.

“ESPN has shown that they’re incapable of reporting on LeBron James without making it sexual,” said one FCC official. “We want to send the message that this is no longer acceptable behavior for a so-called respectable news network.”

The FCC is also investigating James’ autoerotic behavior on TV and the internet over the past several weeks, citing that the former Cavalier has “been feeling himself a little too much lately.”

Which came first: The idiot Philly fan or the idiot journalist?

Philly fan bashing has become a well-televised national pastime and we have both the idiot fans who keep dancing the jig and the equally idiotic members of the media who keep pushing the anti-Philly sentiment to thank for it.

I keep hearing that Philly fans embrace their awful reputation and wear it like a badge, but one thing I’ve noticed is that quite a few journalists and TV personalities embrace their anti-Philly slant and wear it loud and proud just like the fans they despise so much. As far as I know, Rick Reilly hasn’t projectile vomited on anyone, but his running schtick of ‘Philly fans suck’ has done just as much to feed the flame of objectionable behavior down on Broad Street as anyone that has ever booed an athlete (on either side) or run onto the field to get tasered.

Reilly and company are the instigators. The idiot journalists.

They’re a step above YouTube commenters that hide behind a computer screen trying to start a fight because that’s what sells. So, how is that any different than a fan that starts a fight in the upper deck because he’s had too much to drink?

I would call the Rick Reilly’s and the Colin Cowherd’s of the world ‘thugs’, but that would imply that they’re intimidating or garner respect on some level. They’re more like the idiot, attention-whore fans they continue to bring up at every opportunity. Calling out Philly fans is what they’re expected to do to stay relevant, so that’s what they do — the same way idiot Philly fans are expected to act like idiots, so that’s what they continue to do.

Journalists have been in the business of stirring the pot since we started paying for our news, so sensationalizing what goes on in South Philly isn’t really a surprise to me. The interesting part, to me, is that everyone just assumes that this whole situation is just because there’s something in the water supply in the Tri-State area that makes Philly fans more brash and out-of-control than the rest of us. While it’s entirely possible that we just have more nut-jobs than the rest of the country, I just think it’s more probable at this point that this whole situation was bred and continually fanned by irresponsible members of our trusted media and the fans of this area continue to respond in kind.

It’s the chicken and the egg.

You could say it has to start with the idiot fan in order for the idiot journalist to write about it, but there are idiot fans everywhere. With respect to this particular fire in Philly, I think it actually started with the idiot journalist. It’s like showing the guy running onto the field on national television: You’re just inviting the next knucklehead to do the same since you’ve made a production out of it.

Idiot members of the media are constantly throwing jabs out there about how awful Philly fans are compared to the rest of the country and I agree to some extent (our idiots are worse than other towns’ idiots), but I’m saying that the idiot journalist came first to pick this fight. Philly fans didn’t “throw snowballs at Santa.” Those fans were out of line in throwing snowballs, but they at least did so because the of a failed halftime show where the Eagles pulled a 20-year-old man from the stands to replace the “real Santa”, who was a no-show.

“He was the worst-looking Santa I’d ever seen,” said Jim Gallagher, PR director for the Eagles at the time. “Bad suit, scraggly beard. I’m not sure if he was drunk, but he appeared to be.”

From then on, it was reported as ‘fans threw snowballs at Santa’ and while I won’t go as far as to say that Howard Cosell is an idiot, I think it was irresponsible of him to show the make-shift Santa getting pelted with snowballs as the only highlight of the Eagles’ loss to the Vikings that day in 1968.

This discussion is old, and frankly I’d rather not have to bring this up again, but something has to be said of the role of the cowardly journalists that continue to bash this town’s fans, even in jest, which is just as irresponsible as the behavior as the fans they’re trying to demean and discourage. People are just waiting for the next Philly fan to run onto the field or projectile-vomit and these journalists are just waiting to cover it, make jokes about it and sensationalize it so they can sell their failing papers or fill air time on TV. Meanwhile, that only makes the idiots want to act out more. It’s what they do. They’re idiots. They take the bait the idiot journalists spit out and do more idiotic stuff. I happen to think the media shares some responsibility to stop baiting the hook. Of course, that’ll never happen, because there’s no money in that.

Report: Philly fan watching now America’s favorite pastime

Philly fan watching has officially passed American football as the top spectator sport in the country, according to a recent report.

The sport — played professionally in the National Philly Dipshits League, or NPDL — has enjoyed a renaissance of late thanks to a record-shattering performance by Matthew Clemmens when he projectile vomited on an off-duty police officer and his young daughter. Two standout players recently followed up that feat with back-to-back field jumping games, giving the league much-deserved national attention and the number one spot on Sportscenter’s “Top Plays”.

Even with the popularity of “the Santa Claus thing” and “booing Donovan McNabb” in the past, the NPDL failed to top the “big four” major sports leagues of MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL in terms of popularity. However, the sport has grown so quickly over the past year that it now draws more fans than all of the four major sports leagues combined.

Media coverage is at an all-time high and Philadelphia dipshits are starting to feel the pressure to live up to the hype and stay on top.

“Without the media coverage, this sport would have died years ago,” said Rich Hopkins, a NPDL star in the 1970s. “Without the exposure, we would just be a handful of douchebags with no lives. Instead, we’re a handful of douchebags with no lives that can get national attention since all eyes are now fixed on our league. Accepting the national challenge to keep the alleged title of worst sports fans in the country is really the only way we can justify our miserable existence as douchebags with no lives.”

Anyone looking to join the NPDL should meet in the middle of the Schuylkill for tryouts.

Favre easily makes ESPN the network-to-avoid this season

Many sports analysts have already tabbed ESPN as this season’s network-to-turn-off now that Brett Favre is back in the league.

Favre’s return to the NFL and subsequent overblown coverage on ESPN easily gives the network the edge-on paper-over others like Fox, CBS and even Versus.

In past years, Fox’s jumping and high-stepping NFL Robot thing pushed the network well ahead of ESPN, despite the Worldwide Leader’s beat-you-over-the-head coverage of past Favre comebacks.

This year, however, since everyone has all but forgotten every good thing the attention whore has ever accomplished in his career because he insists on destroying his own legacy, the unending gushing and fawning over Favre puts ESPN in a league of its own among networks to avoid this football season.