Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.

Kendrick called up just in time to ruin everyone's night

Kyle Kendrick was about two minutes away from not being able to blow last night’s game, but arrived just in time due to a few miracles pulled off by the Phillies front office.

Kendrick had been recalled from Triple-A Lehigh valley earlier in the day to replace the injured Scott Eyre, but the righthander had a difficult time getting to the ballpark.

2:03 PM - Kendrick receives the news that he will be added to the 25-man roster for Friday’s game.

2:28 PM - Kendrick leaves Coca-Cola Park in Allentown, PA and heads for Citizens Bank Park.

3:14 PM - Kendrick hits a ridiculous amount of traffic on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and phones Ruben Amaro that he may be a little late for the game. Amaro assures him that the traffic will clear up soon.

8:31 PM - Kendrick, having only moved 629 feet since his last call, informs Amaro once again that the traffic situation is out of control and he may miss the game and even offers to turn around and not show up for the game at all. Amaro says “be cool Ace, help is on the way.”

8:39 PM - A four-car police escort arrives to guide Kendrick to the game.

9:21 PM - Kendrick loses his police escort when four fools who can’t drive in the rain plow into them, narrowly missing Kendrick’s car.

9:58 PM - After trying to drive the rest of the way on his own, Kendrick runs into more traffic, 16 miles from the ballpark. He calls Amaro again to tell him to just call the whole thing off and just let Eric Bruntlett pitch in his place because he would probably do just as well. Amaro voices to someone next to him about a “code orange” and that “getting Kendrick to the park is now our number one priority.” Amaro tells Kendrick to “get out of your car and look toward the sky” and hangs up.

10:09 PM - An AH64-A Apache Helicopter arrives on the scene to pick Kendrick up and air lift him the rest of the way to Citizens Bank Park.

10:13 PM - Kendrick finally arrives at Citizens Bank Park, just in time to head out to the bullpen.

10:21 PM - Kendrick enters the game.

10:39 PM - Kendrick gives up three runs in the top of the 13th.

11:10 PM - Kendrick takes the loss and ruins everyone’s night.

Weekend series win over Yanks overshadowed by disappearance of Brad Lidge

The Phils took two of three from the Skanks over the weekend, but the real story was the ongoing search for closer Brad Lidge, who may have been abducted following last year’s World Series win.

“We’re all trying to pull ourselves together as a team and get through this,” said Ryan Madson. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great to walk into the Yanks’ new home and drop a deuce on their living room floor . . . but we just really miss Lidgey.”

In his absence, the team has replaced Lidge with a fake, look-alike Lidge subsitute, Frad Fidge, who has posted a 9.15 ERA in 21 games. Fidge blew two saves during the weekend series, giving him four for the season, which is four more than Lidge blew all of last season.

“Fidge is doing his best out there given the situation,” said Eric Bruntlett. “He’s getting his face beaten in at a pretty nasty clip until the real Lidge is found, and we just hope that’s sooner than later.”

Derek Lowe, Braves totally kill everyone's World Series buzz

Derek Lowe pitched out of his mind for eight innings, allowing only two hits while striking out four as the Braves cock blocked what was supposed to be a continuation of our World Series championship celebration.

Brett Myers, who was filling in for an injured Cole Hamels, gave up three ‘no-doubters’ to Brian McCann, Jeff Francoeur (who couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee last year) and Jordan Schafer (who hadn’t seen a pitch above the Double-A level until Myers’ meatball in the second inning).

“I threw three very costly mistakes out there today,” Myers said. “If that one to McCann was just a half an inch lower and to the left, it might have at least stayed in the lower deck.”

Myers settled in after a rough first two innings and finished with six strikeouts in six innings while giving up eight hits and four runs. The bullpen then took over and smacked the Braves silly for three perfect innings.

In true Fightins fashion, the Phils tried to mount a comeback in the bottom the ninth inning with the Salsa dancing Mike Gonzalez on the mound for the Braves. Eric Bruntlett scored on a Jayson Werth single pushing the score to 4-1. There were two on base after Chase Utley took a walk, when lefthanders Ryan Howard and new Phil Raul Ibanez struck out to end the game and any hope for an undefeated season.

“We couldn’t come through and give everyone the win we knew they wanted,” Charlie Manuel said. “We can’t give the fans too much confidence in our team, though. The next thing you know, they’ll start acting like unbearble pricks like Red Sox fans…no sir…not on my watch.”