Roy Holliday wins NL Cy Young, reports guy on net

According to a report from the comments section of a popular website, Phillies ace Roy Holliday was announced as the unanimous winner of the NL Cy Young Award on Tuesday and became the first two-time winner in baseball history.

Holliday, who hurled six perfect games this season, beat out Adam Wanerite of St. Louis and Yubo Himez of Colorado and led the majors in wins (like 25), ERA (below 2.00) and strikeouts (like 320 or so), according to the internet report.

Though regarded as one of the game’s best pitchers, Phillies ace Roy Halladay missed out on winning a second career Cy Young Award, but according to Twitter reports, pitchers Roy Halliday and Doc Holiday each won the award, which everyone was really excited about.

Facebook reports indicate that Cole Hammals didn’t get a single vote, which really sucked, but Astros pitcher Brett Meyers received two.

“What’s that all about?” the report continued.

Myers changes story; Son's haymaker to blame for injury

Brett Myers has changed his story for a second time by coming clean about how he sustained an injury that forced him to miss his scheduled rehab start on Saturday.

The Phillies originally said Saturday that Myers injured his eye while playing catch with his 4-year-old son.

Later that day, Myers told the team he slipped on a banana peel while getting out of his truck, hit his face and noticed several birds flying around his head.

Myers finally said Sunday that the injury did involve his son, but certainly not during a routine pitch-and-catch session with a 4-year-old. Instead, Myers said he was initially too embarrassed to admit the toddler popped him in his eye after an attempt to get him to eat his broccoli.

The Phils pitcher pled not guilty to assaulting his wife in 2006, though the case was later dropped.

“It looks like my son has already picked up on one of my bad habits,” said Myers with a right eye the size of a grapefruit. “I throw a 90-plus fastball too, but I don’t see him mimicking that. Kids are weird that way.”

Myers injury leaves gaping hole in rotation filled with several hundred gaping holes

Brett Myers may miss the rest of the season with a hip injury that will likely require surgery. It is also very likely that no one will notice that Myers is gone anyway, since we’re all numb to the chaos of Phils starters by now that his replacement’s inevitable implosion won’t seem all that bad.

The injury may prompt the Phillies front office to pull off a trade for another top-of-the-line pitcher like Jake Peavy, Roy Oswalt, Roy Halladay or Erik Bedard.

“It really stinks that Brett may have thrown his last pitch as a Phillie,” said GM Ruben Amaro. “But we have to stay positive here and realize that this gives us an excuse to go out and get an arm that can actually get people ou — I mean — go out and fill some holes in our rotation.”

Phils rediscover connection between scoring runs and winning games

After days of trying to win without scoring runs and relying on the other team to issue walks with the bases loaded, the Phils won their second game of the season by downing the Rockies 8-4.

Brett Myers once again proved that if you just take away all of the bombs he gives up — now six home runs allowed in two starts — he could easily be considered the single most dominant pitcher in the entire universe. Myers won his first game of the year by surrendering only four runs and one walk  in seven innings while striking out six.

Shane Victorino made his case for a shot at the leadoff spot by going 3-for-5 with a walk and two runs scored while the 2007 NL MVP Jimmy Rollins turned in a 1-for-5 day raising his season average from .111 to a seductive .130.

“Jimmy’s our tablesetter and I’m not trying to take his job or anything like that,” Victorino said. “Even though batting behind him in the order really is starting to feel like batting behind the pitcher. So, I kind of feel like our leadoff hitter anyway.”

The Phils will take on the Rockies in the series finale on Sunday at 3:10 pm.

Hamels lit up in debut; Suddenly Myers' opening night start doesn't look half bad

Cole Hamels made his season debut against the Rockies on Friday and was Eaton’d (v. - to have your face beaten in on the mound and get taken out of the game with zero dignity and your tail tucked neatly between your legs) to the tune of allowing 11 hits and seven earned runs in only 3.2 innings in the 10-3 loss.

Hamels was the latest Phillie to take the hill and get Eaton’d worse than the previous night’s starter. Brett Myers kicked the season off allowing a minuscule four runs in six innings followed by Jamie Moyer’s ho-hum four runs in five innings of work. Joe Blanton took it up a notch by allowing seven runs in only four innings of work, then Hamels was like “You think that was pathetic? Check this out” and proceeded to post the worst outing by a Phils starter to date.

“Getting Eaton’d out there night after night is tough,” said Rich Dubee. “At this point, we’ll settle for a Kendricking. What…too soon?”

Panic sets in as Phils winless drought barrels into day four; no end in sight

Jamie Moyer took the mound on Tuesday in hopes of erasing the memory of a painful opening night.

That hope lasted about of 3/5 of a second when Kelly Johnson sent Moyer’s batting practice fast-ishball well into the right field stands to begin Atlanta’s near deja vu 4-0 victory over the Phillies.

Moyer nearly cloned Brett Myer’s pitching performance from Sunday by giving up four runs, but in only five innings compared to Myers’ six. The lineup tried its damndest to clone the output from two days before, but left out the part where they were supposed to score at least one run.

Irate fans are already calling for everyone’s head from Brett Myers and Jamie Moyer to Jimmy Rollins and pretty much everyone that could draw a pulse, both on and off the field.

“Yeah, everybody’s completely freaking out and worried that we’re falling apart or something,” Rollins said after the game. “Keep in mind we lost our first two games last year to the Nationals…and they ended up losing 102 games while we won the World Series. If we lose this next game on Wednesday though…I’d say it’s definitely time to go bananas and completely freak the hell out.”

Joe ‘Babe’ Blanton will take the mound and face Javier Vazquez in the final game of the three-game series against the Braves on Wednesday.

Derek Lowe, Braves totally kill everyone's World Series buzz

Derek Lowe pitched out of his mind for eight innings, allowing only two hits while striking out four as the Braves cock blocked what was supposed to be a continuation of our World Series championship celebration.

Brett Myers, who was filling in for an injured Cole Hamels, gave up three ‘no-doubters’ to Brian McCann, Jeff Francoeur (who couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee last year) and Jordan Schafer (who hadn’t seen a pitch above the Double-A level until Myers’ meatball in the second inning).

“I threw three very costly mistakes out there today,” Myers said. “If that one to McCann was just a half an inch lower and to the left, it might have at least stayed in the lower deck.”

Myers settled in after a rough first two innings and finished with six strikeouts in six innings while giving up eight hits and four runs. The bullpen then took over and smacked the Braves silly for three perfect innings.

In true Fightins fashion, the Phils tried to mount a comeback in the bottom the ninth inning with the Salsa dancing Mike Gonzalez on the mound for the Braves. Eric Bruntlett scored on a Jayson Werth single pushing the score to 4-1. There were two on base after Chase Utley took a walk, when lefthanders Ryan Howard and new Phil Raul Ibanez struck out to end the game and any hope for an undefeated season.

“We couldn’t come through and give everyone the win we knew they wanted,” Charlie Manuel said. “We can’t give the fans too much confidence in our team, though. The next thing you know, they’ll start acting like unbearble pricks like Red Sox fans…no sir…not on my watch.”