Procrastinating Phils finally get around to clinching division

The Philadelphia Phillies clinched their third straight NL East title after putting it off for the past week by spending entirely too much time on Failblog and Hulu-ing those old episodes of It’s Always Sunny they missed.

“It was rough, man,” Ryan Howard said of the Phillies’ late-season procrastination. “As much as we wanted to secure our spot and get it over with, someone would send out an email about a funny video and by the time you start looking at all the related videos, you look up and it’s the ninth inning and you’re down by like 10. At that point, you just try again the next day, but then Chase [Utley] starts talking about how Journey is the greatest band of all time, which starts a three-hour-long debate and you end up in the same place as yesterday.”

The Phils finally pulled it together on Wednesday to down the Astros 10-3, though technically the team clinched the division a few minutes before the game ended due to Atlanta losing on an epic Matt Diaz baserunning error to end the game against the Marlins.

In a moving gesture to once again prove his commitment and eternal love for Brad Lidge, Charlie Manuel called on the team’s pseudo-closer to record the final out of the 10-3 route in a non-save situation. Lidge warmed up for about five minutes and threw one pitch to Lance Berkman, who grounded out to Ryan Howard at first base to end the game.

“Any other guy would have left me by now, but Charlie isn’t just any other guy,” Lidge said after the game. “We pledged our lives to one another when I signed here and I’m blessed to be able to have him right by my side no matter how badly I screw up. I’m definitely one of the lucky ones.”

The Phillies also paid a fitting tribute to the late Harry Kalas by embracing the HK sign in left field after the game. Harry is still very much a part of this team and I personally hope the Phillies are able to pay the greatest tribute to him by rolling down Broad Street one more time, in his honor. Go Phils!

Hamels back on mound after slight safety adjustment; Phils down Braves 10-6

After dealing with injuries in his last two starts, Cole Hamels returned to the mound on Friday against the Braves, earning his first win of the season. The World Series MVP scattered three hits and two earned runs over six innings of work while striking out seven.

“Everything felt great,” said Hamels after the game. “The floaties really gave me peace of mind out there.”

Joe Blanton will get the start against Javier Vazquez on Saturday for Game 2 in the series. The last time the two pitchers met, the Phils had to crawl their way back to a 12-11 win, which was their first of the year.

Panic sets in as Phils winless drought barrels into day four; no end in sight

Jamie Moyer took the mound on Tuesday in hopes of erasing the memory of a painful opening night.

That hope lasted about of 3/5 of a second when Kelly Johnson sent Moyer’s batting practice fast-ishball well into the right field stands to begin Atlanta’s near deja vu 4-0 victory over the Phillies.

Moyer nearly cloned Brett Myer’s pitching performance from Sunday by giving up four runs, but in only five innings compared to Myers’ six. The lineup tried its damndest to clone the output from two days before, but left out the part where they were supposed to score at least one run.

Irate fans are already calling for everyone’s head from Brett Myers and Jamie Moyer to Jimmy Rollins and pretty much everyone that could draw a pulse, both on and off the field.

“Yeah, everybody’s completely freaking out and worried that we’re falling apart or something,” Rollins said after the game. “Keep in mind we lost our first two games last year to the Nationals…and they ended up losing 102 games while we won the World Series. If we lose this next game on Wednesday though…I’d say it’s definitely time to go bananas and completely freak the hell out.”

Joe ‘Babe’ Blanton will take the mound and face Javier Vazquez in the final game of the three-game series against the Braves on Wednesday.

Derek Lowe, Braves totally kill everyone's World Series buzz

Derek Lowe pitched out of his mind for eight innings, allowing only two hits while striking out four as the Braves cock blocked what was supposed to be a continuation of our World Series championship celebration.

Brett Myers, who was filling in for an injured Cole Hamels, gave up three ‘no-doubters’ to Brian McCann, Jeff Francoeur (who couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee last year) and Jordan Schafer (who hadn’t seen a pitch above the Double-A level until Myers’ meatball in the second inning).

“I threw three very costly mistakes out there today,” Myers said. “If that one to McCann was just a half an inch lower and to the left, it might have at least stayed in the lower deck.”

Myers settled in after a rough first two innings and finished with six strikeouts in six innings while giving up eight hits and four runs. The bullpen then took over and smacked the Braves silly for three perfect innings.

In true Fightins fashion, the Phils tried to mount a comeback in the bottom the ninth inning with the Salsa dancing Mike Gonzalez on the mound for the Braves. Eric Bruntlett scored on a Jayson Werth single pushing the score to 4-1. There were two on base after Chase Utley took a walk, when lefthanders Ryan Howard and new Phil Raul Ibanez struck out to end the game and any hope for an undefeated season.

“We couldn’t come through and give everyone the win we knew they wanted,” Charlie Manuel said. “We can’t give the fans too much confidence in our team, though. The next thing you know, they’ll start acting like unbearble pricks like Red Sox fans…no sir…not on my watch.”

Kendrick's philanthropy hurting chances of joining rotation

Kyle Kendrick continued his charity work on the mound by giving up eight earned runs in only three innings today against the Braves. The two-year vet is currently battling for the final spot in the Phillies rotation with Chan Ho Park, J.A. Happ and Carlos Carrasco, but it appears he is more interested in helping others get through this rough economy.

“I thought about how I could either pitch my butt off this spring and win a job, or I could let a couple guys tee off on me and help them earn jobs,” Kendrick said following Wednesday’s outing. “I’ve got a couple more starts to prove I’m capable of getting fringe minor leaguers out. In the meantime, if I have to give up two homers to a guy that hit one all last season [Clint Sammons] to help him earn a living, then I’m happy to help.”