Phillies formally end half-second pursuit of Aaron Rowand

The Phillies announced Friday that they have formally ended their pursuit of former Phillie and current Giants outfielder Aaron Rowand after more than 30 milliseconds of internal discussions.

“We gave it a shot,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro, whose moment-long pursuit of Rowand was prompted by a column in the Philadelphia Daily News by Paul Hagen. “But in the end, I could not conceive of one solitary reason it would make any sense whatsoever to go out of my way to trade for a 33-year-old man in steady decline making $24 million over the next two seasons that was benched in favor of slightly less garbage players after hitting .230 last season.”

Amaro added that the pursuit of Rowand would have ended sooner, but the GM wanted to make absolutely sure that he was “giving Hagan’s off-the-wall idea a fair chance.”

Ibanez demolishes Aaron Rowand's record for fastest to tri-state man-crush

Aaron Rowand’s legendary record of reaching full-on man-crush status in only 34 games as a Phillie has fallen in nearly half the time due to Raul Ibanez’s epic play, only 18 games into his Phillies career. Rauuuul capped off a 3-for-5 performance at the plate with a go-ahead grand slam in the Phillies’ 13-11 triumph over the bottom-dwelling Washington Nationals.

The previous man-love record was set back on May 11, 2006 when Rowand made a spectacular catch while smashing head first into the center field fence at Citizens Bank Park against the rival Mets with the bases loaded. The bloodied center fielder’s all-out hustle and love for the game earned him an instant free pass for the remainder of his baseball career and an early trip to the disabled list. The injury also led to Cole Hamels’ major league debut as he was called up to replace Rowand and made his first career start the following day.

Ibanez earned the record by hitting .342 with six home runs, 16 RBIs and 18 runs scored through 18 games. By comparison, Rowand hit .306 with only two homers, five RBIs and an un-Ibanez-like nine runs scored through his first 18 games as a Phillie. However, sacrificing your body to make a game-saving catch is easily worth a good 20 or so homers.

“I definitely don’t play this game for the records, but I appreciate the sentiment by the fans,” said Ibanez. “I consider myself lucky that I didn’t have to destroy my face to break the record. That’s always a good thing.”