The NFL met with the NFL Players Association on Wednesday for yet another collective bargaining session and while both sides agree that lighting cigars with $100 bills is both convenient and entertaining, the parties still remain split over the key issue of which side is the most passionate about their incessant lust for money.

“It has always been the position of the NFLPA that if it don’t make dollars, it don’t make sense,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. “The NFL can’t possibly love money more than these guys. We polled our players and 87% report fornicating with their money at least three times a day while the remaining 13% just enjoy spooning with it.”

If the two sides are unable to come to an agreement over whose depraved obsession with money is greater before the current CBA expires in March, the league will face a lockout.

“If the players loved money more, then they wouldn’t oppose adding two more games to the schedule,” Indianapolis Colts president Bill Polian said while shredding a stack of $100 bills that he said were too wrinkled to use in public. “We are clearly ready to risk the stability and brand of the greatest professional sports league on the planet in order to make more money, so that should tell you just how far we’re willing to go just to make money we don’t even need at this point.”

As of press time, the two sides were still posturing, beating their chests and throwing money around the room in hopes that the other side would recognize how awesome and important they are.