According to a report released Wednesday, what you are currently reading is way more entertaining than what you saw last night during the Eagles game even if sources indicate that this story is extremely dumb and mostly unreadable.

The report details that this story contains a link to a photo of Teddy Ruxpin (here) and a video of the theme to Perfect Strangers (here), which have absolutely no business in a news story about the Eagles, but sources agree that anything at all would be better than actually talking about the game.

“Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy and evening TV,” read part of the report. “When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home — everywhere you look.”

It remains unclear how one of the top football teams in the world could become so unwatchable for three hours, but here’s Kimmy Gibbler.

“Jibba-ja-ba-ba-dow,” the report added.