Following the announcement on Tuesday that Michael Vick would be the Eagles’ starting quarterback for the remainder of the season, Eagles head coach Andy Reid maintained that Kevin Kolb’s slow regression as the team’s starting quarterback of the future is still “right on track.”

“The fourth year as a backup is critical to becoming an elite NFL quarterback,” Reid said without cracking a smile. “We’re not sure his skills are eroding quickly enough, but mentally, his confidence is shot to all kinds of hell, which is an important step in his development.”

Reid then discussed his plans to further Kolb’s relapse by breaking his throwing arm in five places, murdering his entire family and releasing him on Christmas morning.

“Kevin will be a great quarterback one day,” Reid added with a straight face.