After weeks of providing little support for ace pitcher Roy Halladay, the Phillies offense has decided to cut the pitcher off altogether and insist that he become more self-sufficient around here.

“We want to help him out, but he doesn’t want to even help himself,” Ryan Howard said of Halladay, who has only contributed a .116 batting average to help his own cause. “We’ve only spotted him a few runs in the past month or so, hoping he would get the hint and either leave or get to work, but he just sits there hoping everybody else will do the work for him. We’ll see how much he likes no run support at all. And if he doesn’t like it, then he can carry his freeloadin’ ass back to the American League with their designated mommies that do your hitting for you.”

The offense plans to use the runs they would have scored for Halladay to further support Kyle Kendrick for some reason.