After 11 agonizing years in a Philadelphia labor camp, mistreated quarterback Donovan McNabb is now safe after being rescued by the Washington Redskins.

According to many national reports, McNabb was originally taken against his will by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1999 and sold into forced labor where he suffered through years of abuse by brutish locals, never getting the respect he deserved.

“First of all, we’re just glad to say that he is now out of harm’s way,” said Daniel Snyder, the Redskins owner who led McNabb’s rescue attempt out of the treacherous city. “The entire nation watched for over a decade as McNabb was treated like some sort of Gladiator sent into an arena to please a crowd. They want to see him finish the job instead of just being satisfied with making it as far as he did every year. They’re all savages. Every last one of them.”

The Redskins were able to secure McNabb’s release in exchange for a couple draft picks, which the Eagles will likely use to take more unsuspecting college kids from their families.

Although the national media reports are distinctly one-sided, many local Philadelphians have given conflicting reports of McNabb’s treatment while with the Eagles.

“I actually liked the guy and thought he was good for the team,” said one sober townsperson who was immediately dismissed from commenting any further.

McNabb could not be reached for comment, but his agent said that he is glad to “finally leave the only fan base in the universe that would ever ‘boo’ a draft pick or criticize a player for his poor performance on the field.”