The Phillies have made the decision to pay Adam Eaton $9 million this year not to pitch. Eaton’s release comes two years after signing a three-year $24 million deal with the Phillies after the 2006 season. His near-perfect 14-18 record over that span and slowpitch-softballesque 6.10 ERA qualified him as one of the recently expendable god-awful players.

“Under normal circumstances, we would be able to hold onto a vomit-inducing underperformer like Adam [Eaton], but these are trying times,” said GM Ruben Amaro. “Once he got beat out by our IT guy for our the emergency ninth spot in our rotation, we realized it was time to cut our losses.”

Eaton was originally a first-round draft pick (11th overall) by the Phillies in 1996 but was traded to the Padres in 1999. It was former GM Pat Gillick that thought enough of the career 4.80 ERA pitcher to bring him back.

“I just want to thank Pat [Gillick] for having enough faith in me to give me that contract,” said Eaton. “I have no clue what he saw in me since average hitters turned into MVPs when I pitched for Texas and I helped at least 47 guys get into the Hall of Fame while I was with the Phillies…but I enjoyed the whole experience.”